... by my side...

It took me nearly 2 years, to "accept" the fact that our mother's not around anymore…

Ya… I was pretty pleased/surprised to find that, when I mentioned to him, I missed my mother's fried bihun the other day, over dinner…

As I missed my mother's fried bihun, I was trying to make the same bihun that night, (of course, failed)

Her bihun, simple fried bihun with ketchup, pork and egg… yummy!!!

But I added more stuff into it, and of course the end result will never be the same…

I guess, I'll never been able to replicate the taste of my mother's cooking…

(miss her centuric egg porridge, her soy-fried porky, her foochow bihun soup…)

So, I told him about my mother's bihun, and how I missed the taste, and why I tried to cook this dish that day…

And then I realized, I've managed to talk about my mother without bringing out tears from me…

I guess… I've finally learnt to live with the fact that, my mother's "rest in peace"… (sabishii ne~~)

The first time when I encountered a dear one left me, was when my grandfather (my father's father) passed away in 2006, we just got back from Tokyo, and I got this sms from my brother…

That's the first time, I saw a breathless body, lying in front of me…

A person who, during my college day, I used to take bus from our hostel to my uncle's tiny flat, yep, that's where they stayed, tiny, but memorable for me, cos, each time when I went there, I'd buy a copy of newspaper, and read the whole afternoon, and that's when my grandfather would chat with me..

He called me "xiao jin 小謹", rather than my usual one…

That's where I build my relationship with my grandfather, after so many years being separated from him, (he's in KL with my uncle, and we're in s'wak)

When I saw him, lying there, peacefully, holding a rosary in his hand, I cried…

That's the first time…

The second time, was his grandmother,

Not when she passed away, but before she passed away…

I could see that, life's slowly bidding goodbye to her… after she's just undergone a surgery… I cried...

Eventually, she breathed her last breath…

Then… it's our mother…

Sigh… I cried many days, and I still cry, on and off…

Just like when my grandfather passed away,

I wondered…

What's the meaning of 'loss'?

Is it that, we feel sorry for the person who's left us, or, that the person's lost his/her life..

Or, indeed, we feel sorry for ourselves, being left in this sinful world… being abandoned, and being left alone, (somehow)

Well… I've to say, I did not know, and I still do not know…

I guess, as for me, the latter one applies…

And that's why, somehow, the japanese 'sabishii' is kinda relevant… 寂寞！

Like I said… I do not know..

I'm not a person who can handle 'loss' well…

I hate it when I loose my belonging,

I hate it when I just can't recall where I put my stuff, or a thing has been misplaced by other people…

It's kinda disorder, but, eventually, I guess, it's something gotta do with loss…

I'm not sure…

As for my grandfather… I guess, after so many years, it's already 'settled',

As for my mother…

Well, I guess… it's nearly 2 years now, it's not 'settled' yet, but I've learnt to live with it…

Though I seriously miss her… just miss the fact that, I could sms her everyday, for anything, or, the fact that, there's somebody so dearly there, who I call 'mama'

(ya, that's before facebook was created, of course, I'm not trying to hint that, facebook can replace my mother, as I do not really update my fb status frequently, especially personal stuff, afterall, it's just a virtual world, where everything's lifeless… ^_^, but it's a fact that, there's somebody over the other side, so concern about you, always put you in the first place, always reply your sms at the first instance and… just always, always there)

From missing my mother's bihun,

To try to replicate her bihun,

To talking about my mother's bihun to him,

I do eventually realized that, I've settled into the phase where, my mother will 'live' forever in us,

In my memory, in our mind, in our dream, or somehow…

I hate to make it sounds like those japanese drama that I've watched, or those sappy, soapy drama on tv,

Where in these drama… whenever somebody passes away, somebody will come out and console the 男女主角, that, the departed, will forever 活在我們心中…

Yep… that's what I'm trying to say…

… by my side… forever!!