The Power of Prayer...

before I went into the hospital for my second boy's coming... (cesarean) I was plain worried...

worried about anything, if you ask me... about the household, about how my husband and my daughter would cope...

and therefore, I pray, I prayed very hard... every night... (haha! I thought it's supposed to be day and night?? anyway... ya... I prayed... that's the only power I could trust...)

I prayed for smooth operation, (cos, I insisted on a cesarean!)

I prayed for speedy recovery aftermath,

I prayed that, my husband and my daughter will cope well, and

I prayed that, my newborn son, will be healthy, (health is the MOST MOST MOST important criteria... if you live healthily, there's indefinite possibilities in your life, whatever you want, whatever you wanna do, but if you're not healthy... that's it...)

as of today,

as when I'm jotting down little notes...

I believe, I've recovered well, coming close to 2 weeks...

I have my confinement food catered... in fact, I wanted to cook, but in order to let my husband to have a peace of mind, I opted for a caterer...

and Praise to God... (Thanks you God!)

that, Gabriel, was having just mild jaundice,

and that... the biggest blessing of the year, with his birth...

he's a born sucker... ^_^, very good and efficient in suckling, at this age, ie. 2 weeks old...

he latches on well,

and he sucks well, most of the time, he'll finish off both sides...

and that, he'll sleep, and since he's full, he'll sleep for 3-4 hours...

and like I've mentioned, as opposed to his sister, madeleine, (that time, she was having jaundice, a more severe type, we concluded it was breastmilk jaundice...)

madeleine need to be breastfed every 2 hours, and each time, she'll be on my boobs, even just 1 side, for around 30-45 minutes,

and with madeleine, of course, it's the first time in my life, for me to nurse a baby...

I had mastitis, I had cracked nipples, sored nipples, and I gotta apply the lansinoh all the time...

and for some reason, the diaper on madeleine just couldn't fit well, huggies, mommy poko, any other brands, it'd leak... and we've more things to wash... more things to change,

for Gabriel's case, all these are gone...

of course, he's his problem,

lately, just these 2 days, he starts to have yellowish eye discharge, just 1 side of his eyes...

we read, it's blocked tear duct...

so, I massage his tear duct on and off... it seems better now,

however, I also suspect that, it's because of the confinement food that I've been taking,

cos, last time (first childbirth) I've a confinement lady, though she wanted to cook super duper confinement heaty stuff, but I forced her to cook something simple... I practically eat the same food every single day... cos, I didn't want any other stuff... though she insisted that, she could cook well... well, those other stuff that I didn't want to eat... ^_^

but since, this round, I've the food catered... so, they delivered whatever, since I've paid, and thus, I'll just wallop whatever!

And I reckon, that “increase” my inner “qi” temperature... well, chinese saying “heaty”!

And that contributes to the eye discharge for Gabriel... that's what I think,

cos, when the eye discharge was like... non-stop... I'd mine too... though not as severe...

then, yesterday, I forced myself to have plenty of water... really plenty of water...

and today, it seems better...

see!!!

this is the “problem” with this baby...

still!!! I've to say, cos,

this is unforeseen, and that, of course, I didn't pray particularly about this, ie. Eye discharge thing... it's NEW to us...

but then, whatever I've prayed,

Dear Almighty God's obviously there to listen...

and that, He's granted me HIS Blessing,

and He's granted Gabriel, HIS Blessing...

Everything happens for a reason; and Things don't happen, for a reason too...

I know, most of the time, people say, "everything happens for a reason", but then, sometimes, I also think that, nothing happens, for a reason too…

Sometimes… anyway, there's a meaning for us to be born ot this world, and for us to be still alive today…

It's all A happening…

Yes, nothing happens, it seems, but then, we're still alive…

And there is a reason… for whatever it is… ^_^

Anyway,

It prompted me to this thinking, it's because of what've happened in my life…

Also, what've not happened in my life, at certain time…

Like the chinese saying, sometimes, it doesn't happen, it's just timing…

My brother wrote this,

When we lose faith

And again, that made me thinking of year 2008, when our beloved mother left us, car accident…

Then, I was thinking again, which I've mentioned looooooooong before… that God's the the best scheduler in town…

A lot of things…

My brother worked in the GH in town… and my father's admitted there, my brother (and his colleagues of course…) was the one, who maintained all the equipment in that hospital…

I didn't have any chid at that time, and I was attached to a company, with a boss who's very compassionate and understanding, and that I could quickly decided to be off the job (no pay) for 2 months… to take care of my father, and to do my part, as a daughter.. (I won't say, it's soemthing enjoyable, it's a mixed-feeling… nothing to boast about and nothing to complain about)

All these while, I was trying to conceive… but no news…

All these while, my mother prayed for me… for US…

After all many bad things… one day and eventually… I've my loveliest baby with me… beside me, all day…

And that's what make me things that…

When something's not happened… there's a reason too…

Like what my brother mentioned in his paragraph…

"But those who endure and wait until the end of these trials, surely will gain their faith. "

And that…

I Praise the Lord...

The Words' God

When I see how parents (including me) see our baby's progress on languagues, words…

I suddenly thought of these…

A few points…

Ya… I'm going to talk about a few things, which may seems to be "de-topic", ie. what's the point, but then, I just wanna talk about it, cos, I thought about it, and I need to jot it down, yes, just jot down my thought…

First, I thought about, err… if you've watched japanese drama, TRICK, all TRICK's series, I, II, III, in TRICK III, there's one story, where Yamada's mother, a caligraphy teacher, mentioned that, all words, ie. spoken, or written, has it's god… ie. we should be respective of what we say, and what we write, as there's power in there…

Second, I thought about how parents nowadays, brag about their kids' lingo skill… but yep… not  many parents have actually shared, how their kids can communicate with others, interact with others, understands others, etc…, no, none of them…

Third, language to me, (you may oppose, I know!) is a tool, a tool for us, to communicate with each other, to relay the message, to share what we actually think, and probably how we actually feel…

But language, also… is a tool, that's widely abuse, we use it to manipulate others, we add flowery words, to impress others, (ok, I'm not so opposing this idea, as one doesn't overdo it!) while the content, can be zero… get what I mean???

The usage of language's been over-emphasized, while the purpose of using it is ignored…

I hope you know what I'm trying to say… (ok for sure, there's 1 person I know, will understand what I'm talking about, ie. my brother Allen)

Forth, I thought about the Tower of Babel (again! I blogged about it after watching the movie Babel…), and yes, languages of human's been "scattered" (not sure of the right word to use!), simply to confuse each one of us, so that, we can't build the tower to reach heaven…

(the details, please read it yourself, frankly, I'm not that familiar about it either, and yes, that's all I know…)

But then again, if language's been the same as ever, can we really manage to build a tower to reach the heaven…

Maybe back then, yes, cos, everybody's having the same aim, same motive… in chinese, 齊心齊力。

However, now?? No, eversince, we've all grown in different way, different culture and so on… given the same language again, we're no more 齊心齊力… even though, the whole world will one day, speak the same language, be it English, or Chinese, or whatever language, yes, I doubt so…

Fifth, I remember my brother, (again, Allen) shared with me before that, Jesus is Word, Word of God…

http://www.newadvent.org/bible/joh001.htm

He's shared with me much more indepth, but then, oops… I've forgotten most of it… (blame it to childbirth! People said, women, after giving birth, will have bad memory… ok ok… let me sidetrack a little bit, I guess, it's not because of childbirth, it's simply because of life… after you have a kid, or more kids, your mind's basically fully occupied by them, by family but more family matters… then, you'll start to forget, or temporarily forget about other non-family related things… get it!??)

Ok… my point is…

While we're emphasizing on mastering a language,

We should always remind ourselves, to not forget the purpose of it… ie. to convey messages, ie. the right message… rather than using it in the abusive way, or harmful way, or insulting way, or whatever…

And do remember, which I've always liked what my favourite Momoko said, "when you make a joke, you tell it, and others laugh, but when you tell it, and others don't feel it that way, it's not a joke…", maybe you don't see the connection, but let me tell you this…

For eg. My ex "dear" colleague (ok, I'm abusing the language now! As being sarcastic!) who, my ex-boss used to praise her english skill…

Oh come on!! She's just a typical lawyer, who speaks loud… (sorry, good lawyers out there, I don't intend to insult you, but you know, there're loads of black goats out there!!!) and like to twist and turn the words, manipulative…

Yes, she's one big fat manipulative person, and shouted very loudly how busy she is, and oh, of course, she really can DESCRIBE how busy she is, while she's simply busy saying that, she's busy!!!

Ie. can talk, can't work that type…

But well, my ex-boss simply adores her, what can I say… anyway, I'm a SAHM now for almost 2 years… and I'm out of that mess, so, I shall not talk about it anymore…

What I'm stating is, she's one good example of word abuser…

She's manipulative in her speeches, while, she doesn't really care to communicate with others…

Oh wow… however YET! I don't think her english is that good afterall, cos, one best best example is, she pronounces eavesdrop as "earsdrop", oh?? Have I mentioned it before?? Ok, let me just mention it again, pardon me… (that shows just how much I despised her, and how much I STILL despise her…)

Oh ya, and she pronounces "lingerie" as "lingering"… ya… ya… good english huh…..???

Again, what's my point??

Yes, my point is…

Be respective of what you say to others, especially your friends, family, and then your co-workers…

And do use words nicely and carefully…

AND… a reminder to myself too...

Let's get moving… Move it! Move it! Move my butt!!

See… I like to plant my butt on the couch, in front of the TV,

If I'm allowed to…

And I like to plant my butt on the work chair, in front of my PC,

If I'm allowed to…

But then, I'm not allowed to do all that, anymore…

Not anymore…

I guess, it's God who sent baby to give me the whip,

So that, I won't be a potato couch, so that, I'll be "always on the move", to keep a healthy lifestyle…

Yes, God wants me to stay healthy, that's what He's trying to tell me…

When I was using my PC, during the day, if she sees,

She'll whine, and she'll come near me, to disturb, and make sure that, I won't have a peaceful surfing time…

It's ok…

So, I thought, I'll turn myself to the TV…

Start watching some japanese dorama, which is piling up in my digital storage, backdated 2-3 years ago… ^_^ amazing, right??

Then, one day, I realised some changes…

Which, I've been living with it, for nearly 1 month, if not 3 weeks…

Yes, a slight change, that I nearly missed…

Whenever I started to plant my butt down,

Baby started to demand for milk, and you know that I'm still nursing her, 100%...

That means, I need to ahem… bear my precious assets, almost all the time…

During the day,

And during the night…

So, I thought, there must be something wrong…

In fact, it striked me when I thought about, "it seems like I've been nursing baby at a shockingly frequent basis, during the day, and during the night…", hm…

Normally,

Normally… during the day, I only feed baby while she's going into her nap (yes, she still needs me!!) and after she gets up from her nap,

Then, if dinner will be late, another feed,

No more than that… the rest of the time, it's food, food, food…

But now?? Like what?

I feed her nearly round the clock,

Cos, I'm sitting there, doing nothing, (yes, watching TV, baby!!!)

And I guess, she gathers that, as long as I'm sitting down, I'll have to feed her,

That's how she connects…

I didn't realize all these, till that phrase striked me, as said…

Therefore?

No PC,

No TV!!

That's what I've decided…

I just can't sit down!!

As long as I'm on the move,

As long as I'm seemed as busy, busy doing something,

She's ok, in fact, as long as I'm BUSY!!!

She's more than happy to play the toys, to explore stuff by herself…

There's no way, I can expect her, to play with her toys, or, do some activities, on her own,

WHEN I'M WATCHING TV,

OR SURFING THE NET!!

Sob sob…

Yes, sob for a while,

When I realized, it actually kinda do me good,

I'm fine with it, and I really really gather, it's God's message to me,

Ie. move, move, move!

Always on the move!

Faith

The other day, I was trying to explain to "somebody" about having faith…

Well, I failed..

Then, I thought of writing something about it, obviously I can't… ^_^

Anyway…

Just to make my life simpler..

There you go,

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

And from Mother Teresa,

Little things are indeed little, but to be faithful in little things is a great thing.

A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace.

^_^

Complements

I'm sure when girls/boys falling in love… you do sometimes wonder, why?? Why this guy, why this girl?

Why? And of course the ultimate question, "is he/she the right one??"

Have I gone through that before?? Maybe my answer is "no"…

Not that, I've never had any doubt, but then… I've faith in God… in taking good care of me, but it doesn't mean that, all those "journeys" were not filled with sweet, sour, and bitter sometimes…

Anyway…

But now… I do wonder… and after having some wondering and pondering in my mind…

I do thank God for taking good care of me, as always…

Most friends who know me, know that, I've BIG temper… like or dislike, I show it pretty well… cos, I still cannot dissociate between hiding your feeling with pretentious, for eg. If I'm annoyed, I'll show that, I'm annoyed, if I dislike certain act, I'll show that, I dislike certain act… and I'll kinda make sure that you know it too… like I said, I do not know how to dissociate this, and being pretentious, yes, I regard that, as being pretentious…

Anyway…

Lately… ya, after being married for so long,

Only I started to wonder… ya… we make good partners, if not couple… but partners in life, not in work… I still kinda stick to the idea that, if we're to do amazing race, I'll sure end up like those whining bitches that I've seen on any of the amazing race show… always complained, and non-stop complaining… ya, if you read me, I hate people who keep complaining… it's either you do it, or you don't, there's no in between such as, do it, dislike, and complain, if you dislike, just stop it, as simple as that… that goes to my second point! (first point is being pretentious, in hiding your feeling!)

Oh ya… what I'm going to say is… I kinda gather, we make good partners in life…

Cos, take the "mushroom" case for eg. I've all the facts, and points, but I just don't have the capability to gather together and come to one conclusion…

And because of that "incident", (I mean the mushroom incident) now, I love "mushroom"… (it's become our "dictionary" now!)

Though… long ago, I'm already crowned as mushroom queen, cos, I could technically… eat mushroom (button mushroom) every single day, for every single meal… I love button mushroom… but well, button mushroom's kinda expensive here, so, we subsidize it with shitake mushroom…

That was the first case…

Was there a second case? I think there was, but out of sudden, I cannot recall… and it's because of the additional case, that makes me think that, this is what God's given to me…

And I say thanks to God…

I regard myself as a person full of flaws… and that's the reason, most of the time, I try to perfectivise , as much as I can…

And there he comes… complements…

Ps: oops, maybe that's why I'm never in a managerial role (not that I could be up to it! And that, of course, I'll tell you, I don't really like such a role!) cos, I'm just pretty good at gathering facts and executing… (ya, no brainer)

Why was she taken away…??

http://qiaotarn.blogspot.com/2010/02/2002.html

I stumbled upon the above blog from one of the blogs I subscribed to, as mentioned..

Qiao Tarn has passed away… just 1 year old plus…

Looking at her, I can't help to think about our own baby… both are also so 'ke ai'… ^_^

And I'm sure, when the parents start this blog for Qiao Tarn, they have all the love they can squeeze out of themselves, for her… full of ambition, full of hope, and full of possibilities…

But just 1 year plus down the road…

She's diagnosed with blood cancer…

Gosh!!

Today, my hands itchy, went to click on the "past", gosh… she's so cute!! (remind me of my baby again!)

The parents blogged about her fullmoon, blogged about her first step, blogged about her first solid, blogged about her first falling-sick…

Just like every other parents…

But unlike most other parents…

On the 20th Feb, while most of us were still partying in this festive season…

Eat and sleep like pig all the way, (just me, ok??)

Their hearts were breaking to the tiniest pieces… and their souls, probably, at that moment, were taken away with Qiao Tarn too…

I really don't know what to say about this type of event…

Condolences is just too little…

And nothing can replace their dearest and most precious daughter…

I only pray to God, hoping that, they'll have the courage to continue their lives… as usual…

Sob…

chabo vs. chabo...

haha!! if you've watch a tiny little bit of “little nyonya”, you'll know, it's basically about wars between different chabos... (“chabo”, in hokkien, ie. Woman!)and the tricks to outbeat the other chabo, wow!! was just uncountable!!!

and towards the end, the new generation of woman, a girl, can't remember her name, sounded like “email”, I mean her name, was questioning Yue-Niang, “why women must go against other women, women should fight with men!!” (haha, yes, I like this, trash all the MCP to the trash can, and throw them to the sea to feed the fish!!! wa hahaha!!)

anyway, saying so is so, but I doubt chabo will realize it, or, even when chabo realizes it, chabo will not be able to change it... you get what I mean?? I mean, the chabo vs. chabo scenario, cos, it's just US, as in the chabos...

(oh, in fact, “chabo” though hokkien, it came from my chinese-A1 friend, she romanized it, as “chabo”, haha!!)

as norm as “dabo” (man, again, in hokkien) is just not good at all, in any domestic aspect, except the VIOLENCE part, “chabo” is just not good at all, in upkeeping the chabo+chabo bond!!

anyway, I did mention in my earlier blog, (can't be bother to dig out the link)

that, I'm just not patient enough to finish, and follow through “the little nyonya” series, in a way, I simply “beh tahan” all the evil faces and tricks displayed in the show... I'm just not patient anymore, to want to find out, how evil these chabos can be, just not patient anymore... I did mention right??

however... sadly, as I just said, chabo will forever vs. other chabo, it's just in US, for some reason, and for some crap reason, I supposed... haha!!!

though, I do realize that, chabo vs. chabo will be forever, but I also still want to ask those “little nyonya” type of people, why??

is it that,

•  You've nothing better to do?

•  You stay too long in the house all day??

•  You've not met enough people to learn that, the world is so big, and you're not the mighty one, and that everybody else can be better than you??

•  you've not met enough people that you've to constantly stir up something to create a little whirlpool in your little tiny pathetic teacup?? to keep your life busy??

•  you've not read enough book, or newspaper or listen to enough news to learn that out there, the whole world is already full of misery and suffering and that we're all considered lucky, safe and happy, to be at where we are today??

•  you've not prayed enough to God that, you do not know, God's watching us?? for everything we do, and say and think, even when there's nobody around us??

anyway, “little nyonya” type of people being “little nyonya”, seriously, not much of my business... just like I told my colleague when the 2face case started... let it be, if we were to start the “cat fight” with “them”, we'll be just like one of them, and therefore, the ending of “the little nyonya”, which is something that I in fact like is that, when the grand-daughter asked the old Yue-Niang if she hates those people, she said “no”, she said, it's just part of the life...

ooh!!! how “chim”...

Why I start reading to her, The Word!

Yep, I've been reading to her, since day one, if I remember to, and the other day, I bought an even cuter version, Bible for mother and daughter, ain't it cute?

Why?

It's not about me,

It's never about me, that's the point,

Most of the people take religion personally, and yes, to some extent, you’ve to take it personally, to be serious about it, but not personal to the extent that, you've to fight, to kill, to have war, or, to hurt others… that's not it's supposed to be…

That's why, I've always liked to quote this,

"It's far easier to fight for principles than to live up to them." ~ Adlai Stevenson

And that's what most of the people fall trap into…

Let me share this with you, most of the people, whatever "convenient" them, they call it TRADITION, and whatever that "inconvenient", they keep quiet, there're tonnes of them out there… mind you!

Anyway, I've gotta introduce it earlier to baby,

As soon as I can, why?

Cos, I'm scared,

Cos, I'm worried,

Cos, I know that, I'm not good enough, as a parent, to tell her what's ultimate right, or ultimate wrong,

Cos, I'm unconfident to bring her up as a proper person, with a proper "orientation" in life,

Cos, I'm worried that, (though I've been through heartache when our mother left us in 2008, I still consider I'm more fortunate that most of the people) I'll not be there all the time for her, needless to say, FOREVER,

At least, when I'm not around, or, when she really needs somebody, she'll know where to look for, for the morale support, for the energy, for the advice,

At least…

I know we're not perfect, and therefore, I've to put her in God's hands,

I know we'll not be there forever for her, and therefore, I've to rely on God to look after our baby…

I know we don't have all the wisdom on earth to groom her and teach her, and that's why, I've to rely on this ultimate source…

And that's why, I start reading to her, The Word!

It's honeymoon time...

Sometimes, when I sling baby, we still can hold hands… that's the good thing about baby-sling, you'll have 2 free hands…

And the other day, when we went to s'pore… haha!!! After so long haven't been traveling together, just the both of us, plus 1,

We feel like we're back to the old days when we're going out…

See… in fact, I've to thank baby for her arrival…

There're time, 2 of us were simply too busy with work, especially my work… low pay, but time consuming, and high accuracy needed ^_^ (who isn't huh??)

Then baby came to our lives… so precious,

Since having her, I immediately stopped work, despite the fact that we're still in this city, the thing is, it brought me back to the good days, when I was traveling with him, for his projects…

Wake up late, surf net, hang around doing nothing much, then, start preparing dinner, wait for him to come back for dinner…

Then, I'd wait for weekend to go downtown with him together, just to walk around the city, sip some tea, had a cup of coffee…

Now, since there's baby, life's just the same as those days, with additional bonus, ie. baby's companion…

There're people who told me that, without kid, it's like honeymoon, with kid, life will be tough…

I'm not sure if that's everybody's experience, or just that person's having some real hard time…

But then… I've to say, while we're all too busy working, in fact, there's not much time for each other, what more to say, a "honeymoon", and we just took our own "sweet" time to spend at work… came home late…

However.. Now, I'm always home, waiting, cooking, enjoying life, and watching back my favourite japanese drama, and he makes an effort to be home earlier than usual…

It's an 'improvement' for our personal lives, if you ask me…

And that, all thanks to baby, and praise the Lord~~

About Allen

Mm… I've mentioned a couple of time about my youngest brother, ^_^

Yep, my youngest brother, Allen…

I used to tell my mother, that Allen's like an angel, sent by God, to our family,

Yep, because of him, my parents (especially my mother) started going to church,

And because of him, my mother went through a series of pre-baptism class, (hey!! It’s not that easy for an adult ok?? And it's definitely not that easy for a near retirement lady, cos, most of us think that, we know too much, and we shall not just spend too much effort in getting anything anymore, for eg. Attend classes)

And because of him, I gained more knowledge about being a catholic, and catechism…

For some reason, I do listen to this brother of mine, pretty much, as in, listen to him…

Why I decided to quit facebook/twitter, it's also an "aftermath" having a conversation with him,

Ya, just a normal conversation, no purpose, just one of those kinda pointless chitchat you've with your family…

And I can recall, many years ago,

How I fell in "love" with KinKi Kids, Japan Johnny's Entertainment 2-boys group, (oh, they're no more boy now, I've watched them since they're <20, to now.. They're already 31, from their A-Album, to their, err… I loose track, K-Album, or L-Album, maybe I shall go check in s'pore soon.. ^_~)

It's simply because of something that, he mentioned to me, maybe he also cannot recall…

He said something like, "jie, do you know about KinKi Kids? Their songs are not bad!", yep, as simple as that…

That's the time, when I started becoming a j-dorama fellow…, and there started my "journey to be THE malaysian japanese dorama queen" ^_^V!!

That's the time, when I just graduated from university…

And when I started my life in the workforce…

That's the time, when I fell in love with KinKi Kids, especially Tsuyoshi Domoto.. ^_^, hehe!

Anyway… that's my brother, Allen…

Don't ask me, why I actually listen to him, he's 10 years younger than me…

I've always thought he's very cute, even now…

And I've always thought that, there's a period of time, he and tsuyoshi look pretty similar, though he hated it…

But of course, now, he and tsuyoshi do not look or even feel similar to me anymore… kakakakakaka!

I do not know why I do listen to him, easily… I've to say, easily…

If I were to find an answer,

I guess, it's because, he's the type of person, who does not speak / say more than he should…

Another example is my favourite Dr. Tan in SJMC…

Man of few words…

Ya, I like it… man of few words…

Is it because they don't speak/say more than they should, on a daily basis, and that, whenever they say something, it seems to be very precious??

I'm not quite sure… but ya…

Or, maybe at his age, he sees things different from me, from people around me, or, he thinks different? I don't know…

But afterall… I still strongly regard him as an angel to my family…

And I've to say I'm really very grateful, and thankful that, God's watched him closely, and he's grown up to somebody who, a family member, who, probably I'll say, I'm most "fong sum" about…

Ie. I know, if I don't worry too much about him, as his sister, or keep an eye over him closely, he'll just grow up fine,

Throughout these years, I'll say, he's just grown up to be a pretty geeky person, which is fine…

My motto, Geeks are easy to manage… you just give them a computer, some gadgets, they'll be contented and they'll be happy…

That's him, he can be, just like me, not going out and spend all day in front of PC, looking for stuff… ^_^,

We're not that sick, it's only that, we're contented with what we're given… kekekeke!! ^_^

And he's still as simple as the little brother that I've, since many years ago, not growing up to a damn sophisticated adult… (that's my worst nightmare)

All in all.. I'll just say, he's just fine!

My brother, Allen…

Mixture of Thoughts and Feelings, for the day

From: The video program, "Free to Be Me" - John Powell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lord God of my life: Here I am again, filled with a thousand thoughts and feelings, disires and plans, joys and sorrows.

I see two worlds, painfully distant from each other. They are the worlds of psychology and theology: the worlds of the human and the divine. I see so many of my brothers and sisters trying desperately to make a saviour of psychology. They are always playing "growth games." They dig into the darkest corners of their minds and the softest parts of their hearts. What they are doing is mostly good, but so much of the pain goes on and on. And sometimes it seems like a case of the blind leading the blind. I want to say to them:"You are not just body and mind. You are spirit, too! You can't make it without God. You can't truly fulfilled unless your spiritual hungers are also filled." We are, as you said, Jesus, the branches of your vine. Cut off from you, we begin to die, inch by inch, day by day. There is an emputiness in us that only you can fill.

But I also see the world of religion. I see some of my brothers and sisters trying to be religious without being fully human. They seem a little rigid and narrow at times, wanting ot be holy, but not human. They seem to be winning a place in heaven, without realizing or enjoying the beauty of earth. They keep the ten commandments, but their observance looks so joyless. Such a world seems small and the air in that world is state.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today, I came across this article in the church. The part about the worlds of psychology and theology, and the world of religion caught my attention, and thus caught my thoughts.

I just think that, human, including myself, is just one type of weird creature, for a reason nobody knows. We, like to be err, separatists (well, I'm not quoting from anybody, just that, this word suddenly came out) to distinguish ourselves, as in solely ME, or at least when ME can't be promoted, We, make a WE. The purpose?? to be different, and from the differences shown, WE are unique, and WE are right, and slowly, growing into I am unique (well, for a good self-esteem, there's no wrong in saying this) and that I am right.

At the same time, We, like to say RIGHT, and do WRONG!! again, including myself. (even though I keep reminding myself not to commit such sin, however, sometimes it's just too difficult to avoid this, hm!!! i know, this is just another lame excuse)

The world is getting more and more complicated, and human behaviour has MUTATED to a more complicated form, my opinion.

In fact, life should be simple and just... SIMPLE!!

First, I came across a news yesterday, that a military personnel died of some accident during a military practice. So, the fiancee of that person cried to the world (it's broadcasted day and nite on that news channel) and begged the government, or the local council (whoever has the authority, which I am not very well-versed of it) grant her to right to get the semen from the decease, so that she can have the hope of bearing the child of the person she loves.

At first, I was pretty caught up with the news/story, as it's really a tragedy, due to human's error. (They did the drill, using a very old, nearly obsolete tank, that's a brake that couldn't function well anymore and ya, nobody bothers to check before the drill, that show how serious people are in their work, and while carrying out their duty!) However, towards the end of the day, I was thinking, ya, it's an accident, the loved one has passed away. (I mean, I really know what's happened, and really, it's a sad thing to hear) But, I started to think twice, is this natural?? Why!!??? Nowadays, human likes to do things against the natural way??

WHY???

(Mm, I have to stop here, coz, I do not mean to have a piece of discussion/argument about 'things'/'deeds' against the NATURAL WAY. I do not wish to discuss about things that I know, it will not reach a conclusion, and I know clearly that whoever, on whichever side, will not give in!)

Second, WHY?? do people won't let the past go?? Most of the people, would rather let the past keep haunting them, then, moving forward and lead a good life. Why??

Third, WHY?? do parents not let their children grow up and be independent?? Some parents I came across do make direct comments, or rather hint that without them (the parents), the children may face difficulty in their life. Why??? if it's bound to be some hiccups down the path of life, that's our destiny.

However, Fourth, WHY?? do some children have the guts to leave their old and weak parents alone, in a helpless dark condition?? and WHY??? do some children/parents, teach their children, things that they won't even do it themselves??? Why??

What IS?? the natural way??

Anyway, there's always some quotes that'll catch my attention, mostly some bits and pieces that I have managed to catch when I watch some TV programmes, or movies.

"Everybody has his/her own piece of sky" (ie. as parents, or siblings, or elderly, or friends, we should not worry/concern too much about a person, to the extent that we would do certain things for them, instead of they, themselves solve it, or carry out their duty, or learn their path)

"When we just started our working life, there're so many things that we desired and wanted, until we've even forgotten about our real selves. Perhaps, one day, when we've decided to give up all that we're going after, then, we'll find true happiness and satisfaction" (Ya, due to peer-pressure, we're always after something that we, truly won't need)

Now only,

I found out that, most education system, teaches people to be intelligent, and smart, and whatsoever, but, not WISDOM.

I found out that, most students, or even teachers, do not know that, we go to school, IS for the purpose to learn how to be a good person. (or, to be a human) [Oh Ya!! I talked about this, is because, I came across the 'online learning' topic one fine day! :)] And I guess that is why, most young students, as well as the parents are getting more and more stressed up, and stirred up nowadays. The result has been mistakenly as the root, of learning.

There's always something that'll make me cry

Each time when I receive some emails from friend, or come across some poems somewhere I go, there is always something or some stories that'll tingle my heart, makes me cry.

For my own record, this is the one of them, something famous, something worth remembering and to be passed on.

It's Foot Print by Margaret Fishback Powers

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me and one to my Lord.


When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest
and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me
and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome
times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I just don't understand why when I needed You most, You leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

I've always thought that, most people are brought up to be a blamer. We blame others for our own failure in achieving something in our life, or our work. We blame on things, on conditions, on tools and We've failed to look at ourselves and evaluate ourselves.

That is why coming from a background (a working background that had trained me) with 'no blame' culture. I have learnt not to blame, but, resolve.

But, this poem, really does tell me a lot about myself, about human nature.