Ah hahahahahaha!!!
Yep… when I told him about my finding, I mentioned it as "million-dollar theory", and he's obviously AMUSED!! And "ooh-tiong-tiong"!!
See, that's how it started…
One fine weekend morning, I was waken up by loud phone conversation… @_@
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……
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See… if I don't know who the person's on the other end…
I'll definitely be suspicious of such type of phone conversation,
Soft spoken, a lot of sweet talk, a lot of consoling, in cantonese, a lot of "tum"…
It just seems to me like… the person on the other end of the phone, continuously seek for attention, and nothing other than attention…
If I do not know who the person is, I'll probably be suspecting that, he's having an affair… ~_~
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……
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If you've read the once-upon-a-time famous fiction "the celestine prophecy", you'll learn about the 4 types of ways to get energy from others...
From wiki:
Here the four main "control dramas"—the Interrogator, the Intimidator, the Aloof and the Poor Me—are discussed. Each person unconsciously prefers one of these four to suck energy out of others (as described in the Fourth Insight). A way of getting these under control is disclosed…
Anyway… ^_^ this is not about more insights… I'm not that genius… but then… feeling my energy constantly drained whenever I encounter such type of events…
Suddenly something tickled me… and I wanted to recognize that feeling...
There's a pinch of jealousy… in me…
Yep… maybe… maybe there're other people who always like to eavesdrop other people's conversation, just like my favourite ex-colleague 2face, but then, I definitely do not like to eavesdrop… it's not that I've such good personality… but then, I'm the type of people who prefer to know less… knowing more, is only asking for trouble… if I'd like to know more… I'll use the paparazzi way… and paparazzi don't really just simply target ANYBODY… some people interest them, some just don't… get it?
So, I'm not that interested in such type of conversation, all time…
Especially it's pretty much, the same 'formulae' of the conversation…
However… by realizing there's actually this negative feeling in me… I reckon, it'll be the same for the others too…
So… afterall… I realized something…
AFTERALL… IT'S THE SEPARATION ANXIETY… THAT AFFECTS THE PEOPLE WHO ARE CONCERNED, CENTURY BY CENTURY, ALL OVER THE WORLD!!!
Cos… trust me… I do seek for 'help', but then, what I found out was… irregardless you're asian, or american, or anybody, the thousands of years of domestic problem - MIL (mother-in-law) vs. DIL (daughter-in-law) was never resolved…
First, most of the people, ie. male, think it's just nonsense, it's just this girls problem, and chose to ignore it… and people just ignore it… some people even deny it!!!
Second, putting aside the 'ignore' part, mostly it's just a taboo topic… people avoid it!! Cos, if you talk about it, you're BAD… ya, that makes me BAD now…!!!
And my finding is… based on certain rules, that you've to remember…
The first and most important point is…
Men and women are totally absolutely different species… men WILL NEVER REALLY UNDERSTAND WOMEN, and vice versa… it's not that I'm real fans of the mars vs. venus theory, in fact, I hate the names, but then, yes, men and women are totally different…
Once… there's a wise man said, "don't bother understanding women, just accept them the way they are"…
See.. My theory's not trying to conclude anything, or to scrutinize anybody, or to solve any problem, or even to say what's right, or what's wrong… however… it is kind of a finding, at least, for myself… maybe some "genius" at the other end of the world is thinking the same as me… right now… so, it's nothing too 'private' too…
Remember?? Men and women are totally different species and that, we'll never truly understand each other…
Some women may say that, they understand their men, I've another theory… understanding him, as the real him, or understanding by observing the living habit and so on… is different… please take note!!
Ok ok… my theory…
It's about the separation anxiety…
Most of the time, MIL find the DIL a problem, and therefore, vice versa, it's because MIL's not grown out of the separation anxiety towards their son…
If you want a better picture??
Go read DH Lawrence "sons and lovers", though I think it's a crap piece… ^_^
You see… mothers who've sons, please do retaliate if you disagree… ^_^,
You see… all this while, your son, your cute and handsome son (as always) treat you as his only woman in life… (nothing kinky or sexy over here, ok??)
If there's anything wrong, or, he's sad, or he's in trouble, it's always "mummy!!", or "ma!!"…
(of course, there some sons, who grow out of it!!)
You're the only one…
Serious!!!
He smiles at you most of the time,
Probably shares the same dish,
He calls you all the time when he's away,
You're his only woman, in his life, for maybe 20-30 years??
(I say this, cos, putting aside son vs. daughter, that's what I feel about my baby… my baby has me… and relies on me fully… she's out of me, and we're just so closed!! I fully dedicate myself to her!! And I AM ALREADY EXPERIENCING THIS SEPARATION ANXIETY, imagining how it'll be, when she grows up…!!!)
From a cute young kid, growing up to be a cute, handsome, and smart man!!
Wow!!! It's my product, you know!!!?
And one day,
Some stupid woman comes into his life,
Less call from him,
Less dinner together with him,
Or, less whatever from him,
All because of this young woman!!
And all he sees is this young woman, he hugs her, he kisses her, he just looks so sweet in front of her… and now, it seems that, his ONLY woman's another person… sad huh??
Now, in fact it's already too late for the mother to start thinking about GROWING OUT OF THE SEPARATION ANXIETY, it's already too late…
Cos, jealousy's already burning in you!!!
And that's where the problem starts…
See!!!
I've to say,
Initially, no woman will want to ask for trouble!!
ESPECIALLY KNOWING THAT, SHE'S HIS MOTHER!!!!!!!!! Eh!! Big deal you know!! Especially for chinese women!! (but then, it's the same everywhere, cos, this is a sadly male-dominated world!)
But serious, no woman will actually want to ask for trouble… except when trouble starts looking for her!!
When we married to our man, what we expected to see, if basically something that we might have daydreamed before, as a girl…
Ie. found a man who loves you so much, and that you also love him so much, spend all the time together… everyday loving loving… cooking dinner for him, make him sandwiches, even ironing his shirts is such sweet thing to do everyday… and your man also talks to you sweetly, sharing every moment together, sharing secrets, sharing fears, sharing happiness… etc…, the thing is, reality sucks… being a stranger in the big new family is never easy… especially in the chinese society, a real male-dominated society!! Being a stranger in the big new family, IS never easy…, especially you're… most of the time, not expected to be left alone… there's rarely such thing is, leaving that loving couple, alone… cos, chinese, generation to generation, believes that, big families together, is one big happy family…, if you read those chinese literature, you'll probably come across that many time… like I said, I'm strongly influenced by the famous chinese author, Ba Jin, for his "Jia" (home), "Chun" (spring), "Qiu" (autumn), which he exposed the rotting, invaluable traditional chinese belief… oh… to simplify it, WOMAN'S NOTHING! I cried my heart out and my eyes swollen when I read the books… especially, ahem… the DIL's super ill-treated… ok ok… I'm not like any of the characters in there… just an example… in fact… we do have our own space… most of the time…
Well, unless the man's married to your family, than case closed…
Else, you're the ONLY one when fronting them, ok??
It's not easy, if not impossible, to really reach this one big happy family scenario, unless… first, the mother's willing to grow out of this separation anxiety thing… trust me!! All mothers have!!! The only difference is, whether you can get over it, OR NOT!!!
If the separation anxiety's resolved, there'll be no funny little acts… or constantly seeking for attention, or sweet talk from your already married son… cos, it's just 'burning' to imagine that, the sweet talks been channeled nearly 100% to that woman!!
Worse still is, when most of the time…
There's comparison involved… it doesn’t matter if it's comparison done by a third party, or just done by yourself…
What?? she can't even cook!!
What?? She can't even tidy up the house nicely as I do…
Ok… even if she can… theoretically…
Next is, who's better…
See!! It's neverending sad story…
Cos, simply, there's jealousy… caused by separation anxiety…
Ok… now, what about daughter??
Remember what I said? Men and women are different…
And I can assure you, one day, when my daughter knows a man, maybe the most handsome man in her life… I'll probably be feeling anxious…
Is he good enough? Just like him, her father?
Or, is he bla bla bla bla bla…
But the thing is…
There's a difference… for those who's daughters, I do hope you'll agree with me…
Mother and daughter… the minds (in chinese, 'hearts') are just so close to each other… we may argue, quarrel, disagree from time to time, but we'll always hug each other back, and love each other more than we used to… that's just between mother and daughter… I don't have a son, and I don't know how's it… but then, as based on my theory is…
Since women also will not truly and fully understand men… (again, let's put aside those 'understand' as in the daily living observation, like how he'll respond, or what he'll prefer for dinner)
When… there's another woman in the picture, the insecure feeling will be enhanced!!!
When there's no other woman, at least you know your son's running around in the field, or drinking with friends, but then… when there's another woman in the picture… the story just get complicated…
And it'll be worse, if you're a stay-at-home mother, cos, your mind's not occupied by any other thing, besides your children… yes, sweet and lovely… but it can have negative impact too…
Therefore, if you're a SAHM, please make sure you keep in touch with your friends…, as close, and as long as possible…!!! (even though I don't have a son, but that's what I'm doing, cos, I'm exactly as what I'm describing… SAHM, I don't have a career to occupy my mind, but at least, I need some friendship to occupy me, besides just my daughter.. Oh!! Did I say 100%?? Haha… ya, when she starts calling "mama ma", I'll ditch all my twitter, facebook and blog, etc, and will carry her, look at her, smile at her… yes, that time, 100% ^_^)
So, do you get what I'm trying to say…
Separation anxiety, inevitable! But what we can do is, to make ourselves to work towards growing out of it… as soon as we realize…, or, at least prepping ourselves to grow out of it…!! (I know it's easy to say, but then, I've seen/heard cases where there're mothers who manage to get over it!.... Cos… see!! AT THE END OF THE DAY, the negative feeling of jealousy is not easy to hide, and when it spreads, it's just neverending sad story…)
(hm!! Come to think of it, maybe sending our sons to babysitter in the very beginning is a good idea, cos, then we start to cope with this feeling, much earlier!!... Ok ok… we'll see!)
And why son, not daughter?
Like I said, mother and daughter, the minds are connected…
So, with daughters, we don't have that type of 'insecure' feeling…
(mothers with daughters, if you do not agree with me, please voice out! We'll brainstorm towards a newer theory)
Why do I make such statement, cos… long time ago, my mother was very eager to see that, I've children… (sadly, she left without seeing our lovely baby!) and I asked her once, "why? You already have 2 cute grandsons!!" She told me, it's different… son's children are different from daughter's children…, well, I do not know how true it'll be, but then, I hope I'll grow old enough to witness it… and that multiply is still 'alive', which I can then post my statement… ^_^, but I do get what she meant!!)
I do not dare to proudly say that, my mother's one who's grown out of the separation anxiety with her son, my brother, cos, I know very well that, she did have her 'sad moments', however… I know she was trying to overcome it… rather than to make it worse!!
Because… to me… men, really most of the time, are not unpredictable… (that's what makes us love them so much right?? ^_^ cos, women like challenge! Again, that's this women-y thing!! But when we hate, we also hate them so much!! ^_^)
Another reason of why… why this is happening century to century and it's never been looked into, and tried to be resolved??
The problem is… being a woman…
I can tell you, though I don't represent all women!!
But I can tell you…, most women, after going through some hardship… they'll start to think, "if I can do it, why can't you??", or something like, "if I have tolerated all this $Q%$ before, why aren't you not doing it?"
That's also the same reason… why I prefer a male gynae… let me just side-track a little bit… men, as gynae, probably will be more gentle, cos, if you said you feel the pain, they believes… cos, they really do not know how it feels like… and they can't tell you bullshit like, "I never feel that pain before, and why are you feeling such pain now?? You must be exaggerating,", and probably they start to think that you're lousy as a person…
Yes, I did get that from one of the nurse, at the hospital, after my delivery… it's simply bullshit…
Now back on track…
So, some women tend to do that…
They tend to think that, if they've gone through certain hardship before, as a wife, as a mother, as a woman, and how on earth, and who are you, that you should escape from it…
THAT'S WHEN THE SAD STORY continues, for centuries!!!!!
Did I say that, this million-dollar theory of mine's not conclusion nor resolution??
If it's to be termed… probably I'll call it a Realization / Reflection!!
And to all my friends… who're reading this…
Unless you really do not experience any separation anxiety with your sons… that's fine, and congratulations..
If you do, as a parents… better start prepping yourself now… for 20-30 years down the road, the real big separation anxiety with your son, that you'll have to overcome…!! And if you do, please just do acknowledge it yourself… living in denial doesn't help… and living in lie definitely won't do anybody good!
Afterall… I'm just like anybody, and I'm a no no good mother I supposed…
Again, let me side-track a little bit, and that, you may see how such a complicated mind I have…
Before I knew that, my baby was a girl…
I was like… asking myself…
Cos, I did acknowledge this negative feeling… though, during that time, I've not recognize it as "jealousy" yet…
But knowing that, I've such type of feeling, in fact, I felt bad… (see!! I'm such a good person, there're people, who don't even feel bad, but yet, feel righteous about it!! Hm!!)
And I was telling myself… If I were to carry a baby boy in me… then, that's a punishment!! (let me clarify, I'm not saying that, if you've a son, then, it's a punishment, everybody's story's different, ok?? It's just for me!)
Cos, by having a baby boy, ie. a son… God's trying to tell me and teach me how it feels to be a MIL!!!
However!! Blessedly… I've a daughter… ^_^ yippee!!!
AND… let me whisper to you…
Now, I'm scared to have a son… if I were to be pregnant again…
It's not that, I'll still view it as punishment as what I've just said…
But I AM worried that, I'll not be able to overcome my own SEPARATION ANXIETY!!
Ps: if the man's the only son in the family, that'll be worse!! Arrghh… if you're the man of such, please prep your mother, and your wife, altogether… ok?? Afterall… well… another way to look at it, your mother's have you, as her "sweet son" for 20-30 years already, solely by herself!! Now it's time for another woman!! Of course, reality sucks.. No woman can actually get the 100% from your man, but then, at least, the more the merrier… so, mothers who've sons, be prepared, and man… please help prepping your mother too… for the sake of domestic… of the whole world!!!
And… to those men who're the only son in the family, if you can get a wife, you're super-blessed… and your wife definitely is super-brave woman!!
