a little bit different… a little bit...

Ya, these few days, she's a little bit different,

Maybe she's grown up,

Maybe she's learned a way to deal with me, (yes, indeed, I'm the one who's difficult, I'm a difficult person, I've to admit it, I'm still striving to change to a better person, and baby's definitely taught me a lot, but from time, she's to find a way to deal with me…sad to say, I guess, she's smarter than me in that sense…)

For eg. She'll keep saying "mama, I love you…", she normally does that, after I've lectured her, particularly for messing up the place,

I told her, she can mess up A place, but not after messing A place, then leave the mess there, "disappear", and go mess up another place… or come and disturb me…

Today,

She was watching TV for a while,

Then, she started calling "mama" again…

She likes to do that, and she makes sure that I'll answer with "yes, baby…", or "yes, madeleine", I can't do it with a "mm…"

So, when she was doing that,

And obviously I was busy "online"…

Then, I asked her if she wants to watch TV, or wants to come disturb me…

Again, it's ok if she wants to come disturb me, I don't want her to hog the TV and yet still come and disturb me…

So, actually answered, "baby 要媽媽抱，just for a while…", (she wants me to hug her, just for a while!) I was quite "surprised" by her "just for a while…"

And… see… I've been struggling with her, about her bedtime, or naptime…

But surprisingly, for the past 2 nights, she's the one whos' been telling me,

"baby's sleepy, baby wants to go in to the room…"

Struggling? Ie. previously, even she's THAT sleepy or tired,

She refused to go into the room, what more to say, get up to the bed,

Normally I've to threaten her to do so…

But last night and tonight… it's easy, she requested it herself…

This afternoon,

When her brother was crying, ie. I've to attend to him, but at the same time, she wanted me to carry her…

I told her directly (sorry to say, normally I'm pretty blunt!) that I need to attend to the younger brother, cos, he's crying loud and hard, and I need to see if he's ok…

So, she was quite upset for a while…

But I remind myself not to "forget" what she says from time to time… though sometimes, I may give her an answer "mm", or "later"… bla bla bla…

After I've settled her brother…

I took her and carried her, and gave her a tight hug!!!

Yes, baby… mama just want you to know that, you're forever mama's precious baby and mama love you a lot a lot!!

Though sometimes, mama's angry, but that doesn't mean mama doesn't love you…

Yes, angry at the things you do, especially you do it on purpose to upset me, but not angry at you as who you are… you're forever mama & papa's precious baby…

Sometimes, she'll ask, if her younger brother's as precious,

I told her, yes, cos, both also came out of my tummy…

This afternoon, it happened that, the japanese drama that I was watching, JIN 2,

(oops, contain SPOILER!)

Nokaze was giving birth, and she's having a difficulty in giving birth naturally, cos, baby's hand came out first… ie. need to go for cesarean, but then, in those era, there's no epidural and so on, and nokaze will be dying of her breast cancer too, so no matter what she must have her baby out…

Ie. she forced minakata to take her baby out JUST LIKE THAT,

Without any medication, CUT stomach, CUT womb you know!!

I watched also my face twisted a bit, due to the imagined pain that she's to endured!

And baby was watching it with me,

She asked me "why" and "what" from time to time, and I explained to her,

In the end, I told her, that's how Dr. Tan took her out last time, from my tummy, and now, her younger brother, both also came out this way,

Of course, I did not have to endure the same pain as nokaze… (THAT'S CRAZY!)

Mm… not sure if she understood,

But I somehow think, she kinda understood the process… ^_^

update manager's "problem"

if you're using ubuntu linux,

and if you happened to be just like me, like to "update" on a regular and frequent basis,

and if you happened to encounter a similar problem,

i guess, this can be a solution...

this is my problem,

of course, you can use the command line update, ie. sudo apt-get bla bla bla...

but then, i, as a not techy person, will like to use "update manager" from the built-in...

anyway,

sometimes, i notice, after i've performed an update, the update manager doesn't show the "updates", and yet, each time i check for any available updates, a long list will come out and the "last update" was always few days ago, or many days many days ago...

so, something wrong right?

lately i encountered such problem more frequently,

so, i kept this note,

$ sudo apt-get clean
$ cd /var/lib/apt
$ sudo mv lists lists.old
$ sudo rm -rf lists.old
$ sudo mkdir -p lists/partial
$ sudo apt-get clean
$ sudo apt-get update

yes... run these command line, (don't ask me why, i kinda know a bit, but don't know a lot more bit, basically i just copied it off some forums...)

and... that'll do the trick...

ok, a not for myself, and for you!

reward, reward, reward!

ok, just a simple one,

i mean, the reward,

i know about the reward chart, even the other day, when we went to babies' paediatrician,

he mentioned about it,

i read about it, and i thought they're complicated,

i read about it, and some said, it's as bad as punishment, anyway,

let's talk about the complicated part...

i read about reward chart, and a lot of charts shared online...

but then, i didn't know where to start, cos, all of them are complicated...

and most of all, baby's still a little bit too "small" to use one...

do they really understand the thing "reward"?

anyway,

it just happened...

and i didn't plan for it...

it just happened...

i was trying to potty train baby, not the hard way, but something like the "natural" way,

though, i thought, if she's ready for it, it'll be so easy,

but i want her to think that, it's not a difficult thing and make her be "ready" for it, of course, i can see that, she's not all that ready for it...

and because of this potty thing, though she understands, and though she nodded her head when i talked about it to her,

she refused (in a way) to do her poop for 2 days... (usually that happens in the weekends only when she "overplays")

so, when she was sitting (first trial, failed, but it's ok, i didn't comment much, just wanted her to get used to it!) on her potty...

i was talking to her...

then, it reached the "reward" thing...

cos, she's talking about food,

she's like me, has a sweet tooth,

she loves anything about donuts, cupcakes, muffins... (yum!)

since they're anyway, nothing good to be eaten...

to discourage in a way, also, to train her to do something that we want her to improve...

as i was reading some chinese parenting thing...

in fact, reward, doesn't have to be complicated...

one thing at a time, that's the key word...

so, i told her,

if she can poop in her potty,

then i'll give her something, after she collects it like 10x, then, she can redeem her cupcake/donut/muffin or whatever from her father...

yes, that's simple...

so, today, we got a little bit crafty,

basically i just take some hardpaper, cut to strip, and get some punchers, (i got from daiso, it's like RM20 in popular bookstore, and RM5 from daiso, serve the same thing, ie. punch! to some shape, what we have is clover, musical note, and star, i think, that's enough, of course, i got that, not for this reward purpose, was using it for something else!)

and quickly gave her a punch,

as a start...

then, just to check if she understands the whole thing...

(well... after that, i think, she understands, just don't think it's that "important" afterall...)

i asked her why she got that little punch in her "reward card"!

only the second time, she got it right...

oh, that's not for the potty thing,

that's for her "crying" problem when she gets up...

of course, since we've kinda identified the cause, it's "easy" to tackle...

so... one thing at a time!

remember?

we'll see...

My 3-year-old... ^_^

yes, my baby's 3 now, and to be exact, going to be 3 plus 1 month soon...

if you're going to have a second child, my suggestion, don't wait till the first's going to be three...

cos, the "ang mor" says, "terrible two", and the chinese says "a 3 year-old kid, even cats and dogs despise him!" (something like that LA!)

i won't say, it's terrible, i don't want to give that behaviour a name,

and i won't think i despise it, or whatever, but seriously, it's taxing...

though, i think, we slowly get the hang of it, and we slowly seeing the "root cause",

of course, she's 3 year-old, but also, it's because of the coming of her brother...

in a way, i appreciate so much of what she does,

at least, she shows her loving part of her younger brother,

though, her little inner self, doesn't quite get the reality that, there's another little one in the house, and she's not the "littlest" one anymore...

and that, sometimes, when she gets up, she sees him,

most days, when she gets up in the morning, she see me nursing the little brother,

and when she's tired, the little brother's crying... so on and so forth...

then, she still knows what's the right thing to do, and what's the wrong thing that she cannot do, ie. like hit the younger brother and so on...

or say "bad things" about him...

though, we did have a hard time...

especially i... for many days, many weeks, i seriously do not understand why she keeps crying, keeps crying whenever she gets up from her sleep...

or, suddenly, she can just cry, maybe she simply very "beh song"...

for a few weeks, i didn't know why, and i was very frustrated by that act...

cos, she just cried, and she didn't tell why... (oi? it rhymes, haha!)

and when i'm so frust and irritated, i obviously will not talk to her nicely, and even if i was trying to ask her why she cried, it sounds like a threat...!!!

anyway,

these few days, she's down with flu, in fact, it started last thursday, with high fever, this girl, whenever she's fever, it'll be HIGH!

then, now, she's off medication already, and i only gave her some chinese "pei pah gou", and sterrimar for her nose/throat, and plenty of water... that's it...

i kinda loose faith in all the medication, ALL OF THEM, HAVE SIDE EFFECT!

and in fact, i thought, she's getting better... just that, she's passing that, to her younger brother...

and praise the Lord, the little brother's a sweet boy, unless he needs to burp, or puke, he rarely cry... though, he's a very noisy boy! ^_^

anyway and anyway, why i mentioned about her flu,

it's because of her flu, and even HE is getting it now... (ya... left me, last man standing... in the house!)

we changed our sleeping arrangement,

ie. no aircon (gosh!! i gotta bear and start to train myself to get use to the little bit of sweatiness and stickiness, though it's been rainy days lately! but yes, we live in a humid country!)

ie. he moves to the other room, and yes,

ie. i sleep with both of them, taking care of both of them,

but like i said, baby's getting better now, and the little one, i just need to continuously monitor and nurse him frequently,

sometimes, when he cries, he needs to puke, to get rid of the "backflow" from the nose, that gets to the throat, OUT!! and he managed to do that...

so, it's ok...

so, back to the sleeping arrangement,

i sleep in between the 2 babies... cos, well, like i said, seriously, she doesn't really want to wake up and see the little one between she and me, cos, all these while, she's me!! and she "owns" me!! ^_^

and why am i talking about the sleeping arrangement?

yes, i need to, cos, from this change, i slowly to figure out why she's like that,

like what i've mentioned to you in the beginning...

she's seeking attention, maybe kids at this age, all of them, are seeking attention,

strongly,

all of us are, somehow and some sort, but we learned to control the need of it, or contain it, (either way!) when we grows up...

but for 3 year-old, they do not know how yet!

at first, when she was still sick, and when little brother hasn't caught the germ,

i slept with him in another room, left her with the father...

and gosh! of course, i couldn't really go to bed, i gotta keep my ears alerts to listen to her,

and of course, i hear a cry (just a short one!) very frequently, as frequent as when she toss and turn her sleeping position...

maybe because she's sick,

maybe because she's looking for me,

and then, when it's morning, after he goes to work, little brother and i, will move back to the room and sleep with her,

then, that time, she still give the same sort of cry, so, i figure, she was not looking for MAMA...

(or maybe she's, but just not the simple way as i guess she is...)

so, after 1 night of sleeping between the 2 kids, somehow, she behaves better in the day...

and tonight, as i'm writing here,

i've not heard her "crying" in her sleep yet...

maybe it's because she's getting better from her flu,

or, maybe she's getting better and more secured emotionally as well...

either one...

last night, ie. the first night, i "officially" sleep between the 2 kids...

when i was reading to her,

i asked her why she gotta cry everytime when she wakes up in the morning, and when she gets up from her nap...

she was thinking, and she was smiling, and obviously i didn't expect her to give me the actual answer...

though, she said something like this, "because baby is sleepy!",

i asked then, "if you're sleepy, why you still want to insist on getting up, why can't you go back to sleep?"

then, she smiled again, and said, "it's a simple thing, because mama's sleeping!"

then, i asked, (well, she's shared with me before, she doesn't like to see me lying down there sleeping, if she's awake! same to me, same to him, she just want us to get up to entertain her! but i've also shared with her that, sometimes, i'm tired, especially previously, while i was nursing her little brother, i was technically sleeping, sitting up! that's a bad sleeping position! and that, i told her, because of that, i'll be tired in the morning, and whenever i see there's "empty" space in our big bed, i was so relieved that, i could lie down for a while, and oops... that's the time, she gets up!)

anyway, i laughed at the way of her saying mischievously, "it's a simple thing",

but then, as of last night, i didn't get a direct answer from her... though i like the way, she "entertained" me... ^_^

then, tonight, after he came home, played with her for a while, i was busy...

busy in the kitchen, busy taking shower, and busy with her little brother...

then, he later shared with me too,

she was getting emo, even when he's playing with her,

guess, her "emo" part, is because of the existence of the younger brother...

though, we thought she's used to it already (yes, indeed, we thought she did very well!), and didn't want to think about it,

but then, i guess, there's still some "difficulty" for her to overcome, ie. emotionally!

we then decided that, yes, she wants so much attention from us, and yet is still demanding so much,

maybe it's because of her developmental stage now,

but we guess, mainly it's because she thinks that, our attention to her, has been ripped off...

especially from me,

cos, in the day, she and gabriel, and me, three of us,

i only have 1 pair of eyes, and 1 pair of hands,

though i've tried my best to put her as a priority, but there're times, i need to carry the little one, and asked her to play on her own for a while...

she knows that, she knows she needs to be independent, but yet, she still wants us to be with her...

that's why, night time, when he gets home, she demands 100% attention from him, cos, to her, it's already a reality that, mama's attention to her, though mama's been trying very hard, and making all the effort, but mama's attention to her, is no more 100%...

she knows it well...

and that's how she express her own frustration, ie. cry!

anyway,

as i thought, we slowly figure out the root cause,

and i hope we're on the right track...

i do hope things will be better, and she'll grow out of it...

cheers!

The Little Match Girl

well... I don't know why Andersen wrote this story... for kids...

or, is it not for kids, I don't know...

anyway, I've always thought this story is bloody sad, bloody... sad...

very sad...

so gloomy, and so sad... so discouraging...

simple story, but sad...

who wants to see a pathetic little girl, yet, selling matches, alone,

in the winter, nobody with her, no family, only a grandma, who's already gone to heaven...

and in the end, guess what?

even if I were to tell the story, I'll still cry,

tell 5 times, cry 5 times, tell 100 times, cry 100 times...

why Andersen had to write such a sad story...

and at the end?

the little girl died...

the funny thing is,

I've read this story since I was so young... and when I mentioned to him, ooi? he's not heard of this story...

ya, maybe that's the difference between boys and girls, growing up...

however, when I was watching the narrated animation with baby just now...

I was trying to see, if there's any "positiveness" in the story...

though, I still think, it's a damn sad story, even when baby asked me what the story is about, when I gotta kinda explain a little bit to her, I still wanted to cry, especially when the little match girl, dreamt of her grandma in heaven... -_- sad!

watching that animation,

one question popped up...

though, living is always THE way it should be...

but then, is dying a relief??

the little match girl,

in the winter,

in the christmas season,

has no family,

her beloved grandma has already passed away,

she's nothing, except a basket of matches which she's supposed to be selling to earn a little bit of living,

she's no food,

she feels cold,

probably nobody even knows she existed...

next day, people found her dead body...

well... sad isn't it?

sad for us, sad for us human...

but maybe not for her, at least, she joined her grandma in the heaven...

no more suffering, no more cold, no more hunger...

the little match girl...

cry no more,

hungry no more,

cold no more...

the little match girl...

(sob sob!)

headache...

Damn! I was having this huge headache last night,

That I couldn't sleep,

It's at the back of my head, I think it's migrainne, well… somebody told me, it's migrainne…

I didn't think I've, though my brother has it, I remember him suffering from him when he's young, and cried so hard… poor thing…

Anyway, whatever it is,

The pain is killing me,

That I couldn't fall asleep, though, I was sooooooooooo tired, serious…!

I was very tired,

The last weekend, was a very very eventful weekend, for our family,

We get baby to her enhancement class… for the first time, yes, mother, ie. me, need to sit in with her,

Then, we went out for dinner, window shopping and so on…

The next day, we went for haircut, both he and I,

And then, we went to park, then, we went for another new community mall for "sight-seeing" again…

Wow!!! Tiring…

Though, I didn't think I was tired there and then!

And after winding down at night, ie. after bathing both of them, showering myself,

Have a cup of milo!! That's it,

I wanted to sleep immediately but then, I've not hooked online for 2.5 days, so, I anyhow went online, ended up searching for some torrent!

Then, seriously, I ended up staying online till 2 something after midnight!! @_@

I went to bed,

And I started to feel the pain,

The headache actually started when I was online,

However, I was busy, so, I could cope with it,

Then, when I'm in bed, gosh!!! Painful!!!!

To the extent, I don't feel like breathing,

As I told baby this morning,

I don't feel like breathing, cos, every breath I took, the pain comes together,

Only when I'm exhaling and stretching, then, I could feel the relief…

It's sooooooooooo difficult for me to sleep, as much as I want to sleep,

Till morning, he got up for his work,

I opened my eyes and tell him, "I'm having a severe headache!, I couldn't sleep…"

But luckily, I managed to get some sleep before the part-time helper come to clean the house… (yes, I've gotta let her in!)

And I was telling myself, that,

Hm… I think, the contraction pain during labour, is even a more manageable one!

Or… perhaps, I should have taken in my ipod and listen to radiohead!!!!

Well, as of now,

I still have mild headache,

And yes, I hope, tonight I can sleep well...

Mercola, not… Mercola… ooh...

I've been following his blog, or whatever he's writing, ever since he mentioned of his name, about EMF…
Ok ok…
I'm not going to talk a lot more and into details about Mercola, seriously, no need…
I'm just here, to summarize things for myself…
As I read…
See, EMF,
Anything that’s transmitting, is no good,
Anything that helps transmitting, is no good,
Ie. handphone kills, spring mattress kills… and yes, because of that, I aimed to change my mattress to latex, ie. Napure, or Tempur, whichever I can afford, and for your information, don't bother to change to IKEA latex, though I have one, not used on regular basis, it's placed in his hometown's house, for baby and me, whenever we go back, frankly, latex is quite nice to sleep on… and I quite like the idea, cos, I kinda like anything that the Japanese do… (not not all things though… I'll share with you later!)
Anyway,
To summarize,
1. Vitamin D, and it must be D3,
I've come across Mercola mentioning about this, zillion time, yes, I don't really read through all his article, I supposed, he does have a team who writes for him, who does research for him, ie. they can really publish a lot of articles, in one day, and it's not like those articles that normally people will write, it's lengthy, in a way, "professional" articles, that's why, I skipped most of them, and I skipped most of it if I happened to be reading one of them…
Anyway, for me, I don't bother about sun exposure, die-hardly… cos, according to him, the Vitamin D from sun, will only be beneficial if we leave it on our body for 48 hours, ie. after the exposure to sun, don't rinse with soap… see see!!! In this place, how can it be done? Tell me…
Furthermore, sunblock, are all cancer-causing...
2. Whey Protein,
Ya, he said, he's having that, for breakfast everyday!
3. Fatty Oil
Yes, deep sea fish, or other fatty oil, as he said, avoid sugar, but not fat! So, look for low-sugar, but not low-fat! Hm… kinda suiting to my liking, so, ok, I follow… ^_^
4. Vitamin B12
5. Dental,
Well, according to him again, no dentist will admit, but then, the dental fixure, or whatever thing you've done to your tooth, you think it's good, it may cause something bad eventually… anyway… anyway… too late, I've all in my mouth, mercury, or whatever to fill up the hole in your tooth, and root canal… sigh…
Bye then! Good luck!

of tablets… of pads… of story books...

Ok, I've a few of them, an ipod touch, an ipad, and now, a sony tablet, oh… not forgetting my android…

All of them, can somehow be used to read some books, I supposed…

I've been playing games on ipad, reading news on ipod/ipad, and maybe chat with my friends on either ipad or ipod, or my handphone, or whateve… almost every device, I use them to full good…

But then, lately, I appreciate them even a little bit more,

Especially my newly purchased sony tablet S,

Well, I know, of what I'm going to do, I can do it using ipad, but then, I gotta split the "tasks" to each devices… hehe…

So, ipad - games,

Tablet - ebook…

And phew!!! Because of the this, I managed to finish quite a couple of books,

I've been buying books… but then, well… I never really sit down and flip through and read through the whole book,

And thanks to all these tablets…

Now, I feel a bit better, and… studious, kekeke…

^_^