blink of an eye.......

today.. is 1 year already, ever since my mother has left us during the car accident, last easter...

i still remember that day... when everything is upside down, when life's not life... when everything is almost meaningless to you, to all 3 of us...
i still remember, when i heard the news from my brother... my limps turned numb... i was using my notebook at that time, and i couldn't type further... i kept reminding myself, not to collapse, i was so scard that, i'll have a heart attack and i'll have stroke... (ya, my mind can really wonder very fast...)
[after this... my brother told me, what he heard is "modem sound"... ya, that's from me... he said, he's supposed to be very sad, but when he heard the "modem sound", he actually laughed... he told me aftermath... i was glad that, during that very bad time, 3 of us were together... and we did our best to cheer each other up, especially my 大弟]

.................
the other day, when i went for another checkup session in the hospital.. just another round before i finally have to accepted the fact that, i've to go for caesarian as my baby's still in breech position (i bombarded her with classical music, and some alternative music for nearly 1 week plus, down my pelvin bone area, hopefully that i can successfully lure her to turn her head downwards, so that i can proceed with my natural birth plan) i saw this lady, a new mother in
front of me, maybe doing her post-natal checkup... with her baby in the stroller...
and she was teasing the baby... playing with her... a very nice view ^_^

at that very moment... i kinda put myself in the picture... imagining me, to be her... and i'm sure, i'll like to say this to my mother, "Ma!! see your granddaughter so cute!!!"
BUT... i know... this can only happen in my dream... 午夜夢回時分... 當我還沒醒覺，你已離開一年...
我想，這是我一生的遺憾... something that i'll grow old with it, and carry it to my grave... for not being able to gratefully tell her... “你看，你的孫女兒，好可愛喲！！"

..............................
however, on this day...
ya, though it's already 1 year... sometimes... for a split second, i can easily forget that, she's no longer around... when i realize... of course... i do miss her a lot.............. a lot...............
normally i try not to remember what we've gone through that day... [mother killed immediately, while my father's sent to the hospital in sarikei, that time, doctor said chances to survive very slim... then, midnight, he's transported back to sibu hospital, heart beat stopped for a couple of time... my mother didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to us... maybe... maybe it runs in the family... maybe it's because none of us are good at handling separation... that's why, God gives her such a way to go... maybe... then... i can't remember much....]

on this day... it marks 1 year.... so fast...
so many things have happened... i'll say, life & death...
i lost her in March, then, i figured i'm pregnant in July...
生與死，樂與悲...
(life and death, up and down, loss and gain...)

like i've told some of my friends, me, being pregnant is a miracle, cos, i was separated from him, for nearly about 2.5 months... (he came to visit me fortnightly depends on his schedule.... but even when he came to see me, i'm still in the hospital looking after my half-dead father... arggh... again, not some experience worth remembering... if i've a choice)
that's why... having a baby, in such tough time... it's a miracle...
miracle blessed by God... and miracle in life... cos, that's life... life will be stronger, when we face losses and death...
(當人們經歷了最痛苦的時候，生命力，求生能力會更強)... maybe... maybe that's how i got conceived... and maybe that's the reason i am carrying a daughter...
(ya, i wish so much that, God will give me a daughter... not that, that'll be a replacement for the loss of our mother, BUT it's kind of consoling enough... as God listen to our prayer!!)

on this day... it marks 1 year... at the blink of an eye...
i just want to tell her that... "we're all doing fine......"

Joyous~~

I can’t keep secret… I mean, secret about my own OS

Ever since I’ve spoken to my boss regarding my plan of not returning to work fulltime, I felt sooooooooooooooooo relieved!!

Ya… very…!!

And due to that, I’m enjoying so much of my long loved songs… my KinKi Kids’s songs… (I’m uploading them now to multiply.com)

^_^

Again… serious.. I can’t keep secret.. secret about my own OS

I can keep things for others, cos, it’s really not my right to share… (I won’t say 100% but always working hard and reminding myself to keep up to the rate…)

But I find it really hard to hide my feelings…

There’re many times, I feel like telling the whole world, ya, I’m not coming back to work fulltime… and I’ll like to be stay at home mom… and I can start continue blogging, watching my jap drama, oh  ya!! Digitizing my oldtime photos and so on… there’re just too many things pending (which is important to me) that I haven’t even started to do…

And now, I’m happy… cos, I can officially let down the burden that I’ve been feeling so far…

Ya… worry about the team… but everybody’s future / fate is in their own hands… there’s that much I can do…

Worry about the projects I’ve been involved…  but ya… without me, if win, we’ll win, if loose, there’s only THAT much I can do… especially with the politics in our country… nothing much we can do, with real effort… it’s all about dirty work…

And I’m happy… cos, I’ll be out of here soon (in a way, I do feel heavy-hearted to leave… some of my very funny, cute colleagues, some of my very hardworking colleagues and so on… however, I do believe, if it’s friendship it’ll be there for as long as it’s to be there… nothing to worry)

Since my OS is so refreshed and relieved now… I simply feel… joyous!!!!!!!!

And I simply will start dancing, shaking with KinKi Kids songs… both of the cute Domoto… kakakakaka!!

Then, I realized… I’ve been listening too much to Radiohead, and those slow rock… (putting aside my Blur and Gorillaz)…

And not saying that I don’t like Radiohead anymore, but I do wonder… if listening to Radiohead, does somehow help me to release a bit of my stressful work… ^_^

Which… in the mean time, I know… probably I don’t need Radionhead for a while…

I only need to listen to KinKi Kids… which best suit my OS…

mm… maybe KinKi Kids’ songs make my OS joyous, or, maybe my joyous OS simply feel attracted to more joyous and cheerful songs…

I can’t tell…

BUT I do know that, my OS is definitely more relieved, and relaxed..

Cos, I’ll be entering another new chapter of my life??

Maybe…

It’s not that, I’ve too much to expect, and it’s not that, what lies ahead of me is simpler as what I’m doing in work now…

However, I guess… it’s simply a brand new room to enter, and a brand new lifestyle to adopt…

I wish myself good luck… listening to KinKi Kids songs………………………………..

Hey!!! Minna… Genki Gai~~~~

a bye, I've to say

today, I had lunch with my boss… I ‘notified’ her regarding my post-natal plan last week…

I’ve wanted to inform her of my intention since end feb, which I thought will be good enough, for this ‘1 month notice’… however, looking as how good she treats me, and how she expected me to perform even better this year… I just do not know how to start my conversation…

So, in the end… since the time it’s nearer and nearer… I’ve no choice but to face it and inform her…

I used the most coward way to tell her…

I’m not a person who’s good at verbal conversation, but I thought, I’m pretty good in my text…

Therefore, I scheduled a lunch appointment with her… today… yep… I described it to my colleague  a very coward way…

Whatever it is… she understands my priority… 

And we just discuss how the transition shall happened, to create less impact to the team…

I voiced out my concern on the “impact” that may/may not happened to the team’s work… she asked me if I’ve thought about her…

Ya… I can see that, she’s quite upset about me quitting, but I’m also feeling grateful that, she’s accepting it well….

As she understands that, everybody has their priority in life… and I know that, if I were to put my work as the top most priority over other things, I may not forgive myself in the future…

Well… I’ve to say, after voicing out my intention, I feel much more relieved and relaxed…

We didn’t discuss much regarding work, but more on parenting and so on….

As I’ve told her my very main concern which lead to me quitting the job is that I know I won’t be able to trust anybody to take care of my baby… yep, nobody…

I mentioned that, yep, family is very dear to me, the job is also very dear to me… however, I’ve to make a choice between the two… (the lesson of 5 balls: Health, Integrity, Family, and Friends are glass balls, most of the time work is a rubber ball and it can bounce back…)

( http://www.lifemeetswork.com/pages/template3.asp?pageID=138 OR

http://piasanedrin.blogspot.com/2008/04/balancing-our-five-balls-in-life.html OR

http://karenjasper.blogspot.com/2007/09/lesson-of-five-balls.html )

After last year’s experience, I know very well, what my choice will be… therefore, it’s better to let her know my decision earlier… than to give her a resignation letter in the middle of my maternity leave…

Luckily I’ve 2 friends who advised me to do so, ie. Inform earlier, than later… after much consideration, I agreed to their suggestion, as… this industry is small,  even though I don’t foresee myself back coming back to the workforce in the near future, but it’s better to set my reputation right (if I ever do have one… forgetting about all the benefit and perks that I can claim, while still being ‘employed’ during my maternity rest)

I’m never the type of people, who can handle well about separation, and leaving…

I realized that, during my university time (maybe it sounds late, but maybe it’s also due to the fact that, I’ve been blessed with minimal separation during my pre-uni time)

One of my other friends told me, while we’re bidding goodbye to each other… going back to our own home countries… and not knowing when we’ll be seeing each other again…

Knowing that, I was feeling a bit blue… he said, “separation, is for us to meet more new people, new friends in our life”…

Ya, somehow, I take it as something I’ll remember for life…

Remember?? In my very old blogs, I did mention…

Sometimes, in our life, we do meet people, or hear something from the movies/programmes which we’ll remember for life…

I don’t aim to be the best in whatever I do…

But I do hope that, at certain point of your life, I’ll be the somebody to give you motivation and inspiration to move on…

And I wish, this is not too much to wish for… ^_^

“我們的選擇，決定了我們是那一種人“