2008-05-17: 06: 23:16
I know I’ve been brain dead for the past 2 months, ever since this Easter... : ( sabishii-neh!
I couldn’t think, I didn’t want to think anymore
The more my brain works, the more it’ll bring me back to the Easter afternoon, when we all have to face the horrible nightmare, our dear mother has left us…
For nearly a month, I didn’t want to talk…
I didn’t want to talk, as everybody will be asking me about the accident, which is like a non-stop continuous rewinding of the nightmare of that day for me… repeatingly eating the other brain cells which are still left in me…
Especially when you have no choice but to respond to some people where you know they only ask but not concern, or, they’re enquiring as if they’re reading another gossip column…
Or to those you know very well that they don’t know how painful you are
Or to those who concerned too much about you however, they wouldn’t know what to do and in the end, you’ll have to console them back, to ensure them that you’re fine… (WHICH YOU’RE BLOODY NOT!!!)
I wasn’t in the mood to entertain anybody anymore, or to be entertained anymore…
Which in actual fact, you’d probably wish you’ll just die… or you wish so much that you’ll just dissolve in the air, so that, you don’t feel the loss or the grief…
But reality sucks…
Mourning didn’t help…
Grieving was not enough…
How I wish, it’s just a nightmare where my brothers and I could just wake up the next day, and still hear my mother’s cute voice…
But… reality sucks…
Therefore… I chose to be mute…
Life’s the same for me… for the first month… got back to work, talked to my colleagues and friends, went for trip
Pretending that, I’m just away from home where my mother’s still at home… nothing’s happened…
Since I’ve left home for that many years…
Yes, now I’m still having my brain-dead, as…
Subconsciously, I know very well… I still cannot compute the message my brother gave me that very significant day…
“姊姊, 做最壞的心理準備… 媽媽沒有了, 出了車禍…”
The rest…
I couldn’t compute anymore…
The lucky girl, who’s had the best mother in the world for less than 35 years… is already brain-dead I guess…
What’s remained now, is 大姐, 爸爸的女兒, and the rest of the other roles that I’ll have to carry in my life…
你揮一揮衣袖, 帶走了我半生的雲彩~~
ps: When I saw her friends, our relatives who’re so close to my mother… I felt the loss even more… seeing each other, reminded both of us, she once lived in our life so much, and how good she was, and how much she has helped them… as a friend, or rather… as a human…
(My mother likes to help people, she used to carry around 3 bucks in her purse… her theory was… 3 bucks, can’t buy anything… but if anybody needs donation, she’ll still be able to donate some money… ya… that’s her…)
For those who’re close to my heart… have seen the worst and weakest of me…
And thanks for all the moral support and prayers that you’ve said for us...
