saw this entry from one of the subscribed blogs, the blog is "parentingbabytosleep.blogspot.com"
anyway, below is the excerpt that the owner extracted from the book she read, which I thought it's quite good to share, as I've just experienced it... (to be blogged later)
Temper Tantrums (except from book)
Having no more room to store hurt is the explanation for temper tantrums. A temper tantrum is spillover. Imagine that every child has a cup inside to store the unreleased hurts. The cup fills with unreleased hurts. Then one more hurt happens, and the child explodes with crying, anger, frustration, or rage. Our efforts to reason, comfort, or to fix are useless. We don't know why the child is behaving this way, and we don't know what to do. The hurt we did see didn't seem to warrant this intense response. The tantrum is the release of the accumulated hurts we didn't see.
Tantrums push our buttons. We may feel anxious, angry, or embarrassed. The child's release of painful feelings triggers the pain of our unreleased hurts. Once their cup spills, children lose control. Since we can't usually calm the child, it helps to focus on keeping ourselves calm. Children depend on adults to be their safety net. A child lost in a tantrum needs the adult to stay calm and keep him from hurting anyone or anything while the hurt empties out.
Crying and tantrums are not misbehaviors or manipulation; they are healing behaviors. Tantrums appear to be manipulation because the most common trigger for a tantrum is the disappointment and feeling of loss a child experiences when we say "No." The "no" is the last straw, the final drop that unleashes the hurt. Children grieve the loss they experience when we deny their request. If this "no" is the hurt that occurs when there is no more room in the cup, the cup spills.
Whenever we say no to a child, either we can expect a little crying to grieve the disappointment or we can expect a tantrum.
There is a bright side to tantrums. Releasing the pain of emotional hurt clears the way for emotional connection. Any parent who has been with a child after a full-blown tantrum has probably experienced the "rainbow after the storm." Once the child releases the pain, the child's delightful, natural nature returns. The child is usually calm, cheerful, affectionate, and cooperative.
Looking for a Limit
Have you ever heard the expression "cruising for a bruising"?
Do you ever have days when it feels like children are pushing the limits and being demanding? When a child's stored hurts cup is full, the child might push for the "No" that will be the final hurt that spills the cup. The child is not cruising for a bruising. The child is looking for a limit. You do yourself and the child a service if you set a limit. Trust and know that the child will release the stored hurts and feel better when the cup is emptied.
anyway, below is the excerpt that the owner extracted from the book she read, which I thought it's quite good to share, as I've just experienced it... (to be blogged later)
Temper Tantrums (except from book)
Having no more room to store hurt is the explanation for temper tantrums. A temper tantrum is spillover. Imagine that every child has a cup inside to store the unreleased hurts. The cup fills with unreleased hurts. Then one more hurt happens, and the child explodes with crying, anger, frustration, or rage. Our efforts to reason, comfort, or to fix are useless. We don't know why the child is behaving this way, and we don't know what to do. The hurt we did see didn't seem to warrant this intense response. The tantrum is the release of the accumulated hurts we didn't see.
Tantrums push our buttons. We may feel anxious, angry, or embarrassed. The child's release of painful feelings triggers the pain of our unreleased hurts. Once their cup spills, children lose control. Since we can't usually calm the child, it helps to focus on keeping ourselves calm. Children depend on adults to be their safety net. A child lost in a tantrum needs the adult to stay calm and keep him from hurting anyone or anything while the hurt empties out.
Crying and tantrums are not misbehaviors or manipulation; they are healing behaviors. Tantrums appear to be manipulation because the most common trigger for a tantrum is the disappointment and feeling of loss a child experiences when we say "No." The "no" is the last straw, the final drop that unleashes the hurt. Children grieve the loss they experience when we deny their request. If this "no" is the hurt that occurs when there is no more room in the cup, the cup spills.
Whenever we say no to a child, either we can expect a little crying to grieve the disappointment or we can expect a tantrum.
There is a bright side to tantrums. Releasing the pain of emotional hurt clears the way for emotional connection. Any parent who has been with a child after a full-blown tantrum has probably experienced the "rainbow after the storm." Once the child releases the pain, the child's delightful, natural nature returns. The child is usually calm, cheerful, affectionate, and cooperative.
Looking for a Limit
Have you ever heard the expression "cruising for a bruising"?
Do you ever have days when it feels like children are pushing the limits and being demanding? When a child's stored hurts cup is full, the child might push for the "No" that will be the final hurt that spills the cup. The child is not cruising for a bruising. The child is looking for a limit. You do yourself and the child a service if you set a limit. Trust and know that the child will release the stored hurts and feel better when the cup is emptied.
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