nightmare, sweetdream, life

whenever i recall...
the day, 2008 March 23 (easter sunday)... when i got the call from my brother...
when we went to pick her up in sarikei, she lied there, quietly, breathlessly...
the whole week of emptiness and pain after this...
a nightmare...
sometimes, i still can't believe all these actually happened (ya, like i've said many time, i STILL can't 100% get over it)
but there's no waking up, cos, it's real...
even though how much i wish, it's just a nightmare
and even though i still have the tendency to want to share the bits and pieces of my life with her, just like i used to sms her everyday, or, call her once in a while... ya, USED to...

and when i hold her in my hands now...
so small... a baby...
i know, most of the women do imagine and visualise themselves having a family, having children... but i rarely did that...
maybe it's simply unimaginable for me...
when i was about to give birth, a lot of people asked me, if i'm nervous, i told them this,
"i'm nervous, not about giving birth itself, but having a baby, a life that's so tiny, in front of me, in my arms... and i really can't imagine what i'm going to do with her"....
however, everything had happened, and everything had come real...
however... when i hold her in my arms, i sometimes, still can't believe, this is real...
as in.. choong's having a baby...
i never thought, choong & baby, can be in 1 space, 1 time, together...
ya, serious, i never thought about it...
and "choong" & "baby", somehow just sound funny when put together...
but whenever i have her in my arms, feel the warmth, hear her cry... feel her wiggling movement, saw her smile...
ya... it's real huh!!!
it's like a dream, that's so sweet... but in the end... it's actually real...

there're moments in my life...
i sometimes thought, it's just dream... it's all just dream...
however... i know... these are real events in A life that i'm living in now...

a DIGITAL world

I was doing my third photobook - the compilation of photos, when we're in Shanghai, China, in year 2004
while doing the photobook, I just realized, how little photos I have taken... regret, regret and tonnes of regret!! sigh...
.....................

The previous 2 photobooks, 1. Tokyo, 2. Melbourne
Tokyo - many photos, but when I was digging our own trip in year 2006 (went there with friends in year 2008) while doing the photobook, again, "why the photos taken were just so few??? why??????"
Melbourne - ok... good-enough number of photos for me to play with
.....................

Today, I received my China photobook... we're flipping through it
AND there were just soooooooooooooooo few pre-Shanghai's - ie. HongKong/Macau photos...
I was just sitting there, simply regretting... and even start to wonder why there're just so few photos for me to do photobook (ya, I'm kinda addicted to photobook in fact, simply love it)
suddenly... he realized first, and told me...
we've just got our digital camera when we're in HongKong, year 2004, Olympus Z-1
with a pathetic 128MB of memory card...

YA!!!!! DAMN PATHETIC, I'VE TO SAY!!!!!
when we went to Tokyo 2006, again, we went with this camera (though a good digital camera) with the 128MB memory... SIMPLY PATHETIC RIGHT?????
that's the super duper pathetic reason, why my tokyo photos during that time were just so few...
and now, I can recall the painful every single nights, after going around tokyo with the 128MB of space that we can store our pictures for that day, I've to go to the common area (we're staying in youth hostel) to try to fight for a PC and transfer the photos to my whatever drive that I have in hand...
again... another part of PATHETIC story... we only brought our super duper small flash drive - again 128MB (ya, that time, it's kinda big... my first flash drive by Omega) and LUCKILY I brought the 1GB iPOD Shuffle there and at least, I've 1GB extra to store... but serious... it's just... besides being sadly pathetic, I really don't know how to describe ourselves that time...
every night... I went to the common area, to transfer the pictures...

when we went to Australia... ya, we finally bought another 1GB memory card for our Olympus... FINALLY!!!
finally the camera has more space to grow... and capture more memory...
......................

in year 2008, we planned the tokyo trip with our friends...
as the Olympus that we've, while it's made (in year 2004, or earlier, I don't know the history) it's not made for bigger memory card... ie. it took hell-a-long time to startup...
"how to use this for travel??"
and since nowadays, we've much much more choice with much much more bigger capacity that we can have... sometimes, even for free...
we bought a casio exilim...
ya, it's something that I just couldn't get over with, when I saw his colleague using a casio exilim, which she could happily put it in a simple leather card holder, unlike our Olympus camera, which is much more thicker to fit in anything, besides its own brand's cover...
finally after awaiting for 2 years, I got an exilim...
........................
and this time we went to tokyo, fully prepared...
since I've "acquired" quite a couple of flash drives (with bigger capacity, for eg. 2GB, 4GB)
and since our exilim itself comes with 1GB memory too...
I was happily snapping away anything that we came into, when we're in Tokyo...
........................
like what my friend said, "aiya, if not nice, later can delete" (haha, she said that, while she's taking a photo of me - on my wedding day, ironically funny!)
like what my other friend said, "film is cheap, travel is expensive" (that's when we're still using the CANON "dummy" camera, with 24 / 36 frames of roll of negatives - can't remember how much each roll of film cost though) - now, it's rephrased to "travel is expensive, digital photos are almost FREE!!"
.........................

that's why~~~ I love technology...
it really has made our lives got much more convenient, better and better...
and look at me...
I'm taking photos of our new member in the house - baby, almost every day, at every few hours...
and neither he, nor me, can hardly find more than 10 photos of our BABY-TIME photos when we're at that age... (most commonly is that precious ONE photo at maybe 1 or 3 months, where our parents brought us to one of the local studio, put us on the chair, and SNAP!)
life...
time...
technology...
life...
hai...

AND I love technology... most importantly handphone is a camera...
simply~~ convenient~~

Conversation between Father and Daughter

people said (ok, those official articles about babies) that, babies cry to communicate, as the only thing they can do, is to cry...
but whenever she cries (maybe father is really bad at facing daughter's tears)...
below is what i hear...

"yes, i understand, i understand, i know i know"
"ngieh~~~~~~~~~~"
"papa understand, papa understand... you don't cry"
"ngieh~~~~~~~ ngieh~~~~~~~~" (even louder)

i can't help but to laugh at this type of interaction
i told him, ya, you understand, but she doesn't understand that you understand...
^_^

or
when he's changing diaper for her...
he talk talk talk
she, in the changing tray... ngeh~~~
....... then, the above "conversation" repeats...
mother's sleeping in bed ^_^

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........................

Glowing Egg

we've a new "toy" in our room...
he saw it on the mothercare catalogue and said it's very cute, so, he wanted one... but mothercare MY does not have, so, we've our friend to help us to get it in mothercare SG...

i ask him to get, at whatever price, as he really seems to like it a lot...
then, when i mentioned to him that we're going to get it soon, he asked "how much", i told him, it's SGD50... @_@
anyway i told him that, "instruction has already been channeled out, no calling-back"...

so, when we finally got it, he's "setting it up"
and guess what... as the egg will glow in different colour based on the difference in temperature, he blasted the aircond in our room...
THAT, i've to wrap baby up tight tight, to make sure that she wouldn't get the cold...
but after a few hours, the egg is still RED...
i told him to put in the fridge... ^_^

after using for a few days...
i said this to him about this grobag egg thermometer...
"one thing lack off, is that, it doesn't have a clock, if there's clock function, it'll be perfect" (as at night, when we switch off almost all the light, i've problem seeing time, which i need to keep a note of baby's feeding time, bowel movement time, etc.)
he said,
"if got alarm clock even better"
~_~
then, both of us laugh, as we are really GREEDY huh!!!
if got alarm clock, then, i don't mind if there's radio function too...
seems like we're expecting too much off this egg ^_^
and a radio-clock picture flashed into my mind...
radio-clock which was very popular in UK... when we're there, we've one in the box, should still be functioning...

with one look… ^_^

this morning, I was playing with her in bed… ya, she got up early today…
usually… I’ll just grab my handphone whenever I see that, she’s “cute”… gosh, I just have to do all these I used to think, “arrgggh” type of MOTHERLY thing… ie. saying that her own children are cute and so on… yikes!!! But, ya… I’m doing it… yikes again!!!

I managed to capture this picture, after my nursing session…
aiyo!!!!!! Drooling man!!
2 days ago, I asked him to start pulling the curtain when he goes out to work
to let her know the difference between day and night…

that’s why I say, I’m THAT “kiasu”…
I’ll really hate to miss all these moments with her as I know, once I miss it, I MISS IT.. no coming back…
everyday she’s different…

~~~tHe jOURney of ThE BREASTS~~~ (Part III)

Ever since I got this mastitis thing, there’s a persistent lump in my breast…
Since I’ve history of “lumpy” breasts (ya… that’s like 10 years ago… after that, I just didn’t bother to follow up, that time, nearly went for operation to take those lumps out… till I went to Dr. Susila in Gleneagle and she told me not to do anything about it, besides doing yearly checkup… else, all milk ducts will be taken away… ya, that’s like 10 years ago, while I was in SLB)
… I was a bit worried…
And a lot of “what if” came into my mind…
As I read from the internet… all about breastfeeding..
What’s mentioned mostly is,
Blocked milk ducts “go away” within 2-3 days, even after your engorgement, if there’s any lumps persist, you should go check it up…
And therefore my “what if”…
What if… after checking, it’s err… my most nightmare worry --> breast cancer???
What if… even it’s not breast cancer, but doctor advise me to go for operation to remove it??
THEN?? Aiya… my baby will have no milk to drink
THEN?? He’ll have no choice but to give her formulae while I’m staying in the hospital after operation??

You know?… that’s the thing about patient…
You know that you’ve to go see doctor and do a thorough checkup, but you’re just scared to know the answer… most of the time I’m like this, I’m really not a very good patient if you ask me…

And finally… today I went to see my dear Dr. Tan in SJMC for my post-natal checkup
Everything is ok, he said, if I were to work out for a second kid, I’ve gotta wait for 6 months… yeh!! It’s good news, cos, again, I read that, some need to wait for 2-3 years…
(however, I think I’ll wait for 2-3 years… when I’ll be “expertise” in handling baby)
Then I mentioned to him about my mastitis which was not treated and that there’s this persistent worrying lump…
And he scanned it for me… ya, look unlike my previous lumps… (which were mainly water cysts)
… he said, he’ll do some extraction to see what’s inside… as from the image, it’s some whitish lump within water…
He said he’ll extract with NEEDLE!!
WHAT??? NEEDLE, poking into my breast??????????????????????????????~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
@_@
“painful or not?” (ya, since Dr. Tan is a man of few words, that’s the ONE question that I normally ask him)
He smiled and told me, just like normal injection…
Arrghh… again… dear all…
I SERIOUSLY HATE THE IDEA OF BEING POKED!!!!!!!
I just hate it… even after experiencing so much poking (during my caesarian, and after that, while I was on drip) I still hate it…
To the extent, even I were to think about it.. it’s still… arrghhh……….
But I guess, as women, you have no choice most of the time… you’ve breasts, you’ve uterus.. these are the things that men don’t have, and these are the things that sometimes, in one stage of your life… you just have to face the “problem” and give them some treatment… and one little thing that you can’t avoid is being poked, and being maybe… ‘cut’… arrgh…
So, he put a needle in there, extract something out… and phew!! He told me, it’s just milk… but since I told him, it’s stubborn and it just won’t go away, he told me, he’ll help me to extract the milk out…
He extracted around 3-4 rounds, to clear the milk inside…
Again, it’s kinda funny process.. I just look at the needle, still on my breast, while he will remove the syringe to pump out the milk extracted, and this… repeated for a couple of time…
And amazingly, really, lump gone!!
So, it’s really a blocked milk duct, and a damn stubborn one…
But at least, my “what if” won’t come true… and little baby will still have continuous supply of milk… ^_^

I'M a "kiasu" mother!

most of friends/colleagues/relatives know that i've quit (verbally, and am quitting my fulltime job) and will stay at home fulltime to look after baby, and TO COOK!! (contradict to the "tradition", i actually like my own food... don't you always hear those mothers who cook telling you that, as they've inhaled so much of the cooking oil and smell, they've lost the appetite to eat their own cooked food?? but i'm the other way round, i've always preferred my own food)

anyway...
frankly, deep down inside, i still have this little doubt, maybe 1% or maybe 5%, but a little... though decision will not be changed, BUT this "little" thing does count, at least, to me... cos, i'm a perfectionist in that sense, 1% of doubt is still different from 0%, though, result is the same...
doubt is -- if i quit, this will be my life, forever, at least for 10-20 years??
looking after baby, cooking, slowly loosing touch with friends in work?? waiting for him to come back from work, sleep, get up, cycle starts again....
working life vs. stay at home...
doubt, a little bit ONLY...
though i won't change my mind, i told my boss n-th time the other day, when she sms-ed me...

until... that one fine afternoon (in fact, it's bloody hot afternoon)
when i was carrying baby in front of my computer...
yep, there's this thing called mouse, especially on junk like facebook.com, you don't have to type much, just click all the way, and you'll spend your time just like that, therefore, whenever i bring baby out to the living room, either, i'll watch TV with her in my arms, or, surfing the internet, still... with her in my arm...
now, baby is 6-week old... and she starts to smile, make more sound, and more expression on her little face (she smiles/grins just right before she falls asleep, not sure if other babies are like this, or are we like this too??? as this, i reckon, is subconscious smile)
and when she was in my arms, she smiled...
sorry to say,
i behaved like all other mothers... (goodness gracious!!)
i thought, "gosh, that was so cute!!!"
AND that's the moment, the 5% doubt flew away...

i'm not kiasu in the sense that, i think, or i want my baby to be better than others in any aspect, but i'm kiasu...
in the sense that, i hate to miss any moment of her new development...
and that's the time, i know that, i'll not think twice to quit... if i ever go back to work, i'll sure miss all these marvellous moments of her, in her life, and in my life too...
and it will not happen again... i don't want to miss that...
that's how kiasu i am...

i remember one japanese drama...
one of the girl mentioned to a man on top of a bridge a river with beautiful river banks on each side...
she said to the man, "even though, the beautiful scenery is the same, but it's actually not the same, as one is yesterday, and one is today, everyday's different, and therefore, this place is forever beautiful to me, and i'll like to see it everyday, cos, the beauty is different every single day"
same to my baby,
even though she may smile everyday, and most of the time, or she may does whatever she's doing repeatedly...
but everyday is different to me, and also, to her...

~~~tHe jOURney of ThE BREASTS~~~ (Part II)

ok.. now, my second encounter...
called, OVERSUPPLY!!!
or, forceful let-down.. or whatever you call...
well, it's not so much a problem...
please read this first,
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/fast-letdown.html
this kellymom website is pretty informative
also, all the babycenter.com.my, babycenter.com, drgreene.com, etc.

it started as, since 2-3 days ago, baby kept spitting up after each feeding...
spit up a lot, i was getting worried, of course, worried that she would not get enough milk
and again, i went to do my full-length research online...
she maybe colicky??
i researched researched...
after doing some readup, the first thing i decided to try is to cut something out of my diet...
as since last sunday, after the stupid confinement lady went back (oh ya, i've not written about how stupid she was, later...)
i started to cook, and after a full ginger month, i want my garlic back..
BUT apparently garlic may cause baby to spit up???
ok, i cut lo!!

but before i actually cut, i read about this forceful let-down thing...
and i read and read and read, while experimenting...
until today i reckon, the problem is really because of my oversupply of milk again...
as even without the breastpump, a simply soft squeeze, there'll be a jet of milk coming out of my breast... again!! it's THAT breast that gave me

mastitis...
and i guess... it's because of me taking the wrong action that cause this problem...
in fact, if you read kellymom's writeup, this is not so much a problem, problem is only the cleaning up part on the baby, once she spitup the milk...

as i was still following up on my past mastitis problem (cos, there's still one lump that won't go away, and i thought by frequent nursing on that

breast, it'll reduce the lump...)
therefore, for 1 day = which is 8-9 sessions, i started on that breast for each feeding, and THAT caused this oversupply and lopsided breasts, in

terms of size... not very obvious, luckily...
due to this frequent nursing on this breast, the milk supply went up... (@_@)
and there comes the problem today...
so, after much research, i changed my position of feeding...
... hopefully it'll get better and HOPEFULLY, my breasts can even out :-(

~~~tHe jOURney of ThE BREASTS~~~ (Part I)

first thing first,
if you're a woman, you can read,
if you're a woman who's had breastfed before and like to see see my sharing of experience, you're welcomed,
if you're a woman, who, in the near future, intend to breastfeed your baby, you're welcomed to read too,
AND
if you're a man, who wants to busybody, be my guest then,
if you're a man, who wants your wife/future wife to breastfeed your baby, you're welcomed too,
if you're a man, who's having a wife who's breastfeeding, you're most welcomed to see see my sharing of experience,
BUT
if you're a man, who's just a man of your own, then, stop here.. don't bother

ok ok...
the journey starts...
i'll skip all the sore nipple, crack nipple part, which is too common,
and i'll start with those common but not too common first, which is my first encounter, and also my first hurdle in my breastfeeding live, since 25th March 2009

after a week plus we came home... (with me curi-curi shower with normal hot water...)
as i was having a very sore nipple, i subsconsciously cut shot the nursing with one of my breasts...
that time, i didn't know the severity were to come... (arrgh!!)
that night, i felt a bit engorged, but then, i ignored... and i started to feel feverish... i thought, oops... is that because of me taking normal water shower??? and i was looking for excuse to tell him (as i insisted to take shower due to the bloody hot weather, despite what everybody said)
i really felt the fever is coming up on me, and that i started to gulp down more water, to try to stop that...
next day, i still kinda ignored, and still conveniently kinda didn't insist baby to feed long on that breast
on the same day too... the stupid condo has power supply problem, no fan, no aircond, and i still have to nurse baby... HOWEVER, maybe due to the extensive sweat, i thought my fever got better...
THAT night, when i looked into the mirror in the bathroom... TO MY HORROR!!! (seems like i've had many horror experiences after 25th March) THAT breast was RED, the bottom half was red, and soooooooooo sored!!!!!!! this time it's not the nipple, it's the breast, damn bloody painful...

and because of this,
i got super tensed,
super stressed,
and super duper irritable...
as i was struggling with the painful breast, and engorgement, yet milk not coming out even when i was expressing, the milk-expressing just seemed too long, and yet no milk... AND what more to say, baby was crying!!!
(oh, she's still very cute even when she cries, sometimes, i purposely wait for her to cry first, then only attend to her, haha!!)
i thought, due to the sore nipple, in the mean time, i'll just express milk and let baby have it,
BUT under this type of condition, ie. milk not coming out effectively when expressing, baby crying to be fed...
i gave up...
i heard him saying, "baby, you don't cry, don't test papa's patience, else, i give you formulae you only know!" haha, i thought that was cute!!
i gave up...
i gave up in expressing..
i told him, "give me"
ya, nipple pain, still have to feed...

the next day (3rd day) the problem seemed to subside..
then, i suddenly feel like flipping the book i bought, maybe there's some clue (cos, he was flipping the other book, tracy hogg's "baby whisperer" and it does not really offer much direct resolution to my problem)
i found this page, with all the symptoms that i've just had - engorgement, fever, redness, etc.
exactly what i was experiencing and ahh...
it's called MASTITIS...
now, i've a lead...
and now, i know, my fever is not because of the shower, it's due to the breast infection (mastitis)
and in fact, i was supposed to rush to doctor and take antibiotic, but, well... it's subsided...

again, i don't know if it's true or not,
but they (i mean, those who so support, so gunho, so diehard fans of breastfeeding) keep saying this and that problems, that may happened to newborn baby, to the mother, will only be solved by breastfeeding, and bla bla bla...
and for my engorgement... which later evolved to mastitis...
yes, the best resolution, is still plug the baby... to my breast..
(ha!! i know, the proper way of saying is, latch the baby and let her/him continue to suck and suckle.. but i thought plug is pretty straightfoward too, of describing the situation)
so, in a way, my problem was resolved...
AND the ironic thing is
the engorgement happened it's because of me breastfeeding the baby, milk supply, bla bla bla...
ie. it's because of the baby right??
but to ease the engorgement, i need the baby's help...
ya, i kinda find it a bit ironic... and in a way cyclical...

anyway... forget about the painful part...
after 1 month, i brought baby to SJMC to see this dr. khoo... (she's like the dr. tan version in the pediatrician department)
she actually mentioned that, baby was a bit overfed... wow!!! 100%of my breastmilk, and yet, overfed, am i doing a good job, or bad job???
@_@
and yes, she's put on weight from 3.16kg to 4.35kg - 1 month, and length, 46cm to 57cm...
she's going to be tall isn't she??
hehe...

My C-Xperience

yep... i delivered baby via caesarian, as she didn't turn her head downwards, so there go my "the great mom" dream... ok, i've always wanted to take up the challenge, but, one of my friends actually "console" me and say, "maybe she doesn't want you to suffer through the contraction pain, that's why she didn't turn", ah~~ what a lovely and comforting statement, right??

so, before i went into the operating theatre, i did not anticipate what a caesarian session will be.. i didn't... it's only that, just around 1-2 weeks before the scheduled date, i had this conversation in the office, with my colleague...
it started as, my little colleague (she's a fresh grad, a very young girl) asked me how will the "session" be... like how??

how's the baby coming out and so on...
i think think think, and i told her, "the doctor, slit the stomach, put the hand in, and get the baby out lo!"
@_@
it happened that, one of my other colleauge, he's shared with me his wife's experience came by... (he mentioned to me before, he was invited to view the whole session, in one of those small town's hospital, as caesarian is categorized as major operation, usually, even husband's not allowed to be inside
so, i stopped him, and asked him, why not he just briefed us... (as previously, he's mentioned to me that, he's VIEWED

it, but he's not mention to me about the details of the process)

then...
there you go...
he said...
NO, the doctor slit open your stomach, cut open not just 1 layer, but a few layers of your flesh (outer skin, uterus, etc.)
BUT... the gist of it, is... how the baby comes out right??
then... a few of them (doctor and nurses) will go to the other side of your stomach and PUSH the baby out.. and the push is not like gentle push, it's STRONGLY pushing it.. pushing and pushing... so that, the baby can be maneuvered towards the slit...

my EYES open big big...

on the 25th March 2009 morning...
we're supposed to go to the hospital by 7am, as i've scheduled it to be at 8.30am, and my very good doctor told me, i can go in around 6.30am - 7am, no problem...
BUT hospital called in and asked why we're not there yet, that's around 6.40am i think... my husband told them, we're on the way (while we're still in our house, and taking our own sweet time)

when we're in the hospital, only then we found out... yep... different departments have their own preference, that's all i can say... doctor asked me to go there around that time, to save 1 night cost (normally people check in the night before) BUT the other department - for eg. ward, the operating theatre... would like to have their work done nicely, for eg. the usual standard checkup on me, and the necessary 'tidying up' before major operation, etc...

anyway... skip to the operation part...
as i was so gunho about giving my baby breastmilk... i want to fulltime breastfeed my baby, therefore, i happily told whoever asked me, i wanted this "half-body anesthetic"...
i kept telling them, "half"... PROUDLY...
BUT... later.. to my HORROR, when they told me that, they're going to jap this epidural into my body to give me HALF-BODY CONSCIOSNOUS...
i was like... oops... oops, and oops!!!!!!!!!
(for some unknown reason, i was super terrified of this epidural thing, as i read from the illustrated book, to give epidural, they inject something into your SPINE... SPINE!!! ok???? not ok!! of course, SPINE... that's just super scary... don't ask me why, everybody has something 'unreasonable' to be scared of, and as for me, injecting or inserting something to the body, just the imagination will kill me)
for a split second, i thought of running away, yes, a split second ONLY... as i quickly recollect that, I CAN'T RUNAWAY
my tummy is big, for real, and baby IS coming out, for REAL!!!!!!!! do i have a choice??

i asked the nurse, "is it painful", the nurse said, "a little bit!!"
nah.. i know these medical people, whatever they mention to you is always discounted 50%, so, i reckon it's PAINFUL...
i turned my head to see the aneasthesia doctor who's doing his preparation, and he told me, "you don't have to look at what i'm doing, but i'll inform you of what i'll be doing"... @_@... sounded scary again... however, luckily he's good... good at soothing me, and good at communicating and calming me down...

finally the epidural is jabbed into my body... ok.. bearable... and kinda fast, maybe because the guy is skillful??
then, i've a second thought... they kept asking me, "can you feel your leg?? can you feel your toe??" and so on... and i answered them truthfully... HOWEVER, again, i think... can the medicine work so fast?? what if it's not functioning 100% yet and this doctor put his knife in me? die man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
however, let me tell you...
when you're in there, irregardless how scared and how terrified you are... you just have to be cut and slit, without anything to say...

oh!! another thing forget to mention, which is another horror piece to me...
it's the cathether... before they pushed me into the operation theatre, one of the 'preparation' is supposed to be, putting the cathether into my bladder... through which spot, i don't think i need to mention...
when they asked me.. i insisted them not putting it, it's just SCARY~~~~~~~~~ super scary idea to put that through such a SMALL opening, it's SCARY, ok!!!!!???
so, i tell them to put it after i got the epidural...
(plus point of checking in such last minute, they don't have time to wrestle with you and force you, cos, they're basically rushing through everything, cleaning up my body, documentation... so that i can be in the theatre by 8.30am, else the operating theatre people will screw the ward people, i reckon)
AND... because i said so...
before the operation begins, my dear doctor (oh, i really love him, he's really a very good, confident, reliable, efficient doctor, ie. Dr. Tan Teck Seng in SJMC/SDMC) scolded whoever were presence in the theatre, except me... he said, "why nobody tells me?"... repeatedly, and then, i felt that, they're rushing to poke the tube into my body... yike!!! even though the epidural is doing its work, i still can feel it, and it's... arrgh... not a comforable feeling, so, i was saying to myself, luckily i insisted them not doing it, while i was not dosed, it'll be more scary and bigger ouch man!!

finally... i was slit...
and whatever was happening then... is EXACTLY AS WHAT MY COLLEAGUE has described to me the other day..
the anaesthesia guy was with me all the time, seems like his job is to just drug me, and then, calm me... quite good... when the doctor was supposed to PUSH (in fact, it's called "massage" i think..) the baby, he told me this, "now, you can feel some pressure on your stomach, but it's ok"...
there.. i felt the PRESSURE
it's just... a weird thing that... with this epidural thing...
you can feel almost everything except PAIN... well... i just have to say, i don't get it... why???
and maybe because i don't get it, that's why i feel scared... cos, i just can't compute, why, why a person will not feel any pain, but every other thing... what's it done to my body???

anyway... after... maybe around 20 min, to half an hour?? finally i don't feel the pressure anymore...
yeh!! then, i know the baby is taken out... but why no cry???
why???
then, i saw the doctor handed over a slimy baby over the "curtain" that covers my view, and told me, "that's your baby, they'll show you later"...

..............

that's my caesarian experience... will i want to go through it for the second time?? i can't tell you know.. cos, i think, both natural way of giving birth (without the epidural part) and caesarian has its SCARY part... arrgh...
i only know, after this major operation, i forbid one of my friend/colleague who'll always make me laugh to come visit me... ya, in the end, she didn't come... i can't afford to talk to her, and ended up laughing, cos, the contraction pain was kind of... irritating and annoying... and yes, PAINFUL... but not to the extent that, i need to take painkiller...
the nurses keep asking me if i need one, i told them nope... then, i thought, bigger pain will be coming... however, after the first day, second day......... i was like... is that it? ah... this type of pain, why need painkiller??? (i used to have very severe period pain, which i thought was more painful than this)

however... the pain does exist, that, i can't cough, i can't laugh, and i can't take deep and long breath on the first day and first night...
but i was happy that, i did my breastfeeding thing... cos, whenever the nursery people deliver baby to me, to feed her, i forgot all the pain... ya, now, the pain is not at the stomach, it's my breasts...!!!

anyway...

a second horror story IS...
upon us checking out (i stayed in hospital for 5 days 4 nights, i opted to stay for 1 more day, as i thought, in the hospital, so good, got nurses to help me, measure this and that, and baby well taken care of, and since this is the first time, i've lots of questions to ask regarding breastfeeding... etc., i asked dr. tan if i can stay one more day when he came and told me that, i should get up and move around... on the 3rd day i think..., then he told me of course, i can stay 1 more day, usually people want to leave earlier, but hospital have no problem with me, staying one more day... well... in fact, i've to say, maybe i'm a bit weird, i really thought it's comfy and cosy to stay in the hospital... only pity him that, he's to travel to-and-fro everyday and come to hospital to keep me company, doing no other things.. boring right?)

ok ok.. second horror story is, when we checked out, they brought me all the little booklets, cards and so only about baby... and one thing i saw, blood type = AB
huh??? AB?????
AGAIN!! for a split second, i thought this baby's not mine... cos, my blood type is A, his blood type is also A, why on earth we'll have an AB baby??? it'll be either O, or A, no AB...
i asked him one time... he didn't seem surprised, but that time i was distracted slightly that i didn't ask further...
then i asked him second time, again, he didn't seem surprised, i asked, "you're also A right?"
DEAR!!!!! all these while, i thought i'm an A, and he's an A too...
ALL THESE WHILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and he didn't sound confident of his own blood type, so, i actually asked him if he carries one of those blood type card in his wallet and made him taking it out and let me check...
oh...
...
...
...
...
...
...
it's B...

oklo!

From Jonathan to Karen

it started like this...
i saw this new hugo XY prefume commercial, with Jonathan Rhys Meyers
so, i asked him not to switch channel as i wanna watch the commercial...
then, he asked me if he's good-looking.. i told him, "no, he's attractive, but not good-looking... just like karen mok, i don't think she's pretty, but she's really attractive, i mean, i know guys will fall for her type of personality (the whole package, look, style, attitude, character etc.)"
he replied, "karen mok is never pretty" (sounded like he's saying, "yak, she's actually ugly")
at the moment, the TV was then showing another commercial... Gong Li (can't recall if it's SKII, or garnier, or whatever.. but i think it's SKII... usually they get older women to advertise for them...
so, i asked him again, "then, Gong Li prettier, or Karen Mok prettier?" (ya, using Yea Nan's style, ie. always give you ridiculous 2 choice, and you must pick one it's kinda fun... she made me laugh during a SERIOUS meeting, the first time she did that to me)
his answer, "Gong Li!"
IMMEDIATELY i asked, "if you're to pick one for your girlfriend (or whatsoever) then, who'll you pick"
.....
.....
.....
guess what's the answer... without thinking for longer than 1 second, he answer, "Karen Mok!"

pueh...

blink of an eye.......

today.. is 1 year already, ever since my mother has left us during the car accident, last easter...

i still remember that day... when everything is upside down, when life's not life... when everything is almost meaningless to you, to all 3 of us...
i still remember, when i heard the news from my brother... my limps turned numb... i was using my notebook at that time, and i couldn't type further... i kept reminding myself, not to collapse, i was so scard that, i'll have a heart attack and i'll have stroke... (ya, my mind can really wonder very fast...)
[after this... my brother told me, what he heard is "modem sound"... ya, that's from me... he said, he's supposed to be very sad, but when he heard the "modem sound", he actually laughed... he told me aftermath... i was glad that, during that very bad time, 3 of us were together... and we did our best to cheer each other up, especially my 大弟]

.................
the other day, when i went for another checkup session in the hospital.. just another round before i finally have to accepted the fact that, i've to go for caesarian as my baby's still in breech position (i bombarded her with classical music, and some alternative music for nearly 1 week plus, down my pelvin bone area, hopefully that i can successfully lure her to turn her head downwards, so that i can proceed with my natural birth plan) i saw this lady, a new mother in
front of me, maybe doing her post-natal checkup... with her baby in the stroller...
and she was teasing the baby... playing with her... a very nice view ^_^

at that very moment... i kinda put myself in the picture... imagining me, to be her... and i'm sure, i'll like to say this to my mother, "Ma!! see your granddaughter so cute!!!"
BUT... i know... this can only happen in my dream... 午夜夢回時分... 當我還沒醒覺，你已離開一年...
我想，這是我一生的遺憾... something that i'll grow old with it, and carry it to my grave... for not being able to gratefully tell her... “你看，你的孫女兒，好可愛喲！！"

..............................
however, on this day...
ya, though it's already 1 year... sometimes... for a split second, i can easily forget that, she's no longer around... when i realize... of course... i do miss her a lot.............. a lot...............
normally i try not to remember what we've gone through that day... [mother killed immediately, while my father's sent to the hospital in sarikei, that time, doctor said chances to survive very slim... then, midnight, he's transported back to sibu hospital, heart beat stopped for a couple of time... my mother didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to us... maybe... maybe it runs in the family... maybe it's because none of us are good at handling separation... that's why, God gives her such a way to go... maybe... then... i can't remember much....]

on this day... it marks 1 year.... so fast...
so many things have happened... i'll say, life & death...
i lost her in March, then, i figured i'm pregnant in July...
生與死，樂與悲...
(life and death, up and down, loss and gain...)

like i've told some of my friends, me, being pregnant is a miracle, cos, i was separated from him, for nearly about 2.5 months... (he came to visit me fortnightly depends on his schedule.... but even when he came to see me, i'm still in the hospital looking after my half-dead father... arggh... again, not some experience worth remembering... if i've a choice)
that's why... having a baby, in such tough time... it's a miracle...
miracle blessed by God... and miracle in life... cos, that's life... life will be stronger, when we face losses and death...
(當人們經歷了最痛苦的時候，生命力，求生能力會更強)... maybe... maybe that's how i got conceived... and maybe that's the reason i am carrying a daughter...
(ya, i wish so much that, God will give me a daughter... not that, that'll be a replacement for the loss of our mother, BUT it's kind of consoling enough... as God listen to our prayer!!)

on this day... it marks 1 year... at the blink of an eye...
i just want to tell her that... "we're all doing fine......"

Joyous~~

I can’t keep secret… I mean, secret about my own OS

Ever since I’ve spoken to my boss regarding my plan of not returning to work fulltime, I felt sooooooooooooooooo relieved!!

Ya… very…!!

And due to that, I’m enjoying so much of my long loved songs… my KinKi Kids’s songs… (I’m uploading them now to multiply.com)

^_^

Again… serious.. I can’t keep secret.. secret about my own OS

I can keep things for others, cos, it’s really not my right to share… (I won’t say 100% but always working hard and reminding myself to keep up to the rate…)

But I find it really hard to hide my feelings…

There’re many times, I feel like telling the whole world, ya, I’m not coming back to work fulltime… and I’ll like to be stay at home mom… and I can start continue blogging, watching my jap drama, oh  ya!! Digitizing my oldtime photos and so on… there’re just too many things pending (which is important to me) that I haven’t even started to do…

And now, I’m happy… cos, I can officially let down the burden that I’ve been feeling so far…

Ya… worry about the team… but everybody’s future / fate is in their own hands… there’s that much I can do…

Worry about the projects I’ve been involved…  but ya… without me, if win, we’ll win, if loose, there’s only THAT much I can do… especially with the politics in our country… nothing much we can do, with real effort… it’s all about dirty work…

And I’m happy… cos, I’ll be out of here soon (in a way, I do feel heavy-hearted to leave… some of my very funny, cute colleagues, some of my very hardworking colleagues and so on… however, I do believe, if it’s friendship it’ll be there for as long as it’s to be there… nothing to worry)

Since my OS is so refreshed and relieved now… I simply feel… joyous!!!!!!!!

And I simply will start dancing, shaking with KinKi Kids songs… both of the cute Domoto… kakakakaka!!

Then, I realized… I’ve been listening too much to Radiohead, and those slow rock… (putting aside my Blur and Gorillaz)…

And not saying that I don’t like Radiohead anymore, but I do wonder… if listening to Radiohead, does somehow help me to release a bit of my stressful work… ^_^

Which… in the mean time, I know… probably I don’t need Radionhead for a while…

I only need to listen to KinKi Kids… which best suit my OS…

mm… maybe KinKi Kids’ songs make my OS joyous, or, maybe my joyous OS simply feel attracted to more joyous and cheerful songs…

I can’t tell…

BUT I do know that, my OS is definitely more relieved, and relaxed..

Cos, I’ll be entering another new chapter of my life??

Maybe…

It’s not that, I’ve too much to expect, and it’s not that, what lies ahead of me is simpler as what I’m doing in work now…

However, I guess… it’s simply a brand new room to enter, and a brand new lifestyle to adopt…

I wish myself good luck… listening to KinKi Kids songs………………………………..

Hey!!! Minna… Genki Gai~~~~

a bye, I've to say

today, I had lunch with my boss… I ‘notified’ her regarding my post-natal plan last week…

I’ve wanted to inform her of my intention since end feb, which I thought will be good enough, for this ‘1 month notice’… however, looking as how good she treats me, and how she expected me to perform even better this year… I just do not know how to start my conversation…

So, in the end… since the time it’s nearer and nearer… I’ve no choice but to face it and inform her…

I used the most coward way to tell her…

I’m not a person who’s good at verbal conversation, but I thought, I’m pretty good in my text…

Therefore, I scheduled a lunch appointment with her… today… yep… I described it to my colleague  a very coward way…

Whatever it is… she understands my priority… 

And we just discuss how the transition shall happened, to create less impact to the team…

I voiced out my concern on the “impact” that may/may not happened to the team’s work… she asked me if I’ve thought about her…

Ya… I can see that, she’s quite upset about me quitting, but I’m also feeling grateful that, she’s accepting it well….

As she understands that, everybody has their priority in life… and I know that, if I were to put my work as the top most priority over other things, I may not forgive myself in the future…

Well… I’ve to say, after voicing out my intention, I feel much more relieved and relaxed…

We didn’t discuss much regarding work, but more on parenting and so on….

As I’ve told her my very main concern which lead to me quitting the job is that I know I won’t be able to trust anybody to take care of my baby… yep, nobody…

I mentioned that, yep, family is very dear to me, the job is also very dear to me… however, I’ve to make a choice between the two… (the lesson of 5 balls: Health, Integrity, Family, and Friends are glass balls, most of the time work is a rubber ball and it can bounce back…)

( http://www.lifemeetswork.com/pages/template3.asp?pageID=138 OR

http://piasanedrin.blogspot.com/2008/04/balancing-our-five-balls-in-life.html OR

http://karenjasper.blogspot.com/2007/09/lesson-of-five-balls.html )

After last year’s experience, I know very well, what my choice will be… therefore, it’s better to let her know my decision earlier… than to give her a resignation letter in the middle of my maternity leave…

Luckily I’ve 2 friends who advised me to do so, ie. Inform earlier, than later… after much consideration, I agreed to their suggestion, as… this industry is small,  even though I don’t foresee myself back coming back to the workforce in the near future, but it’s better to set my reputation right (if I ever do have one… forgetting about all the benefit and perks that I can claim, while still being ‘employed’ during my maternity rest)

I’m never the type of people, who can handle well about separation, and leaving…

I realized that, during my university time (maybe it sounds late, but maybe it’s also due to the fact that, I’ve been blessed with minimal separation during my pre-uni time)

One of my other friends told me, while we’re bidding goodbye to each other… going back to our own home countries… and not knowing when we’ll be seeing each other again…

Knowing that, I was feeling a bit blue… he said, “separation, is for us to meet more new people, new friends in our life”…

Ya, somehow, I take it as something I’ll remember for life…

Remember?? In my very old blogs, I did mention…

Sometimes, in our life, we do meet people, or hear something from the movies/programmes which we’ll remember for life…

I don’t aim to be the best in whatever I do…

But I do hope that, at certain point of your life, I’ll be the somebody to give you motivation and inspiration to move on…

And I wish, this is not too much to wish for… ^_^

“我們的選擇，決定了我們是那一種人“

Signs of High and Low EQ

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom. - Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Signs of High and Low EQ

Listed below are general characteristics of people with high and low EQ, as I define it. Obviously, these are generalizations, but are helpful as guidelines. Please note that these lists include general signs of high and low self-esteem, as well as other variables which have not in fact been specifically correlated to emotional intelligence as defined by Mayer and Salovey. Future work will attempt to more clearly differentiate between self-esteem, emotional intelligence and my definition of EQ.

Signs of High EQ

A person with High EQ:

• Expresses his feelings clearly and directly with three word sentences beginning with "I feel..."
• Does not diguise thoughts as feelings by the use of "I feel like...." and "I feel that...." sentences.
• Is not afraid to express her feelings.
• Is not dominated by negative emotions such as:

  Fear, Worry, Guilt, Shame, Embarrassment, Obligation, Disappointment, Hopelessness, Powerlessness,
   Dependency, Victimization, Discouragement

• Is able to read non-verbal communication.
• Lets his feelings lead him to healthy choices and happiness.
• Balances feelings with reason, logic, and reality.
• Acts out of desire, not because of duty, guilt, force or obligation.
• Is independent, self-reliant and morally autonomous.
• Is intrinsically motivated.
• Is not motivated by power, wealth, status, fame, or approval.
• Is emotionally resilient.
• Tends to feel optimistic, but is also realistic, and can feel pessimistic at times.
• Does not internalize failure.
• Is interested in other people's feelings.
• Is comfortable talking about feelings.
• Is not immobilized by fear or worry.
• Is able to identify multiple concurrent feelings.

Signs of Low EQ

A person with Low EQ:

• Doesn't take responsibilities for his feelings; but blames you or others for them.
• Can't put together three word sentences starting with "I feel..."
• Can't tell you why she feels the way she does, or can't do it without blaming someone else.
• Attacks, blames, commands, criticizes, interrupts, invalidates, lectures, advises and judges you and others.
• Tries to analyze you, for example when you express your feelings.
• Often begins sentences with "I think you..."
• Sends "you messages" disgused as "I feel messages" For example, "I feel like you ...."
• Lays guilt trips on you.
• Withholds information about or lies about his feelings. (Emotional dishonesty)
• Exaggerates or minimizes her feelings.
• Lets things build up, then they blow up, or react strongly to something relatively minor.
• Lacks integrity and a sense of conscience.
• Carries grudges; is unforgiving.
• Doesnt tell you where you really stand with her.
• Is uncomfortable to be around.
• Acts out his feelings, rather than talking them out.
• Plays games; is indirect or evasive.
• Is insensitive to your feelings.
• Has no empathy, no compassion.
• Is rigid, inflexible; needs rules and structure to feel secure.
• Is not emotionally available; offers little chance of emotional intimacy.
• Does not consider your feelings before acting.
• Does not consider their own future feelings before acting.
• Is insecure and defensive and finds it hard to admit mistakes, express remorse, or apologize sincerely.
• Avoids responsibility by saying things like: "What was I supposed to do? I had no choice!
• Holds many distorted and self-destructive beliefs which cause persistent negative emotions
• May be overly pessimistic; may invalidate others' joy.
• Or may be overly optimistic, to the point of being unrealistic and invalidating of others' legitimate fears.
• Frequently feels inadequate, disappointed, resentful, bitter or victimized.
• Locks himself into courses of action against common sense, or jumps ship at the first sight of trouble.
• Avoids connections with people and seeks substitute relationships with everything from pets and plants to imaginary beings.
• Rigidly clings to his beliefs because he is too insecure to be open to new facts.
• Can tell you the details of an event, and what they think about it, but can't tell you how she feels about it.
• Uses his intellect to judge and criticize others without realizing he is feeling superior, judgmental, critical, and without awareness of how his actions impact others' feelings.
• Is a poor listener. Interrupts. Invalidates. Misses the emotions being communicated. Focusses on "facts" rather than feelings.

Adapted from EQ for Everybody by Steve Hein, 1996,
The EQ Institute, http://eqi.org

"Drive carefully, Dear!"

i know, the above words is usually said by women, to their husbands/boyfriends (a very serious one)
and most of the time, men feel offended by the words itself...

being women, of course, i'll say that i simply do not understand why men need to drive FAST!!!
what's the big deal, of being 1 / 2 cars ahead of the others, and what's the big difference if you're 5-10 min ahead of the schedule???
IF you're not rushing for life-saving (for eg. ambulance), or still can make it in time for a meeting, i see no reason, why anybody should rush on the road...
really... it makes no difference...
if you're already late for a meeting, you ARE already late... blame it on your bad trip planning, drive fast doesn't really help the situation much...

anyway...
when women said "drive carefully/slowly, dear", it means something... definitely, and a man, for your wife/girlfriend/family, shall at least, try to listen...
first, as a driver (i drive too) all your passengers trust their lives in YOUR hands... or even your functional/non-functional brain - which coordinate the driving process...
as a driver, even if your passenger had to speak out, to request you to drive slower/more carefully... i seriously think, the driver has failed to be the driver, cos, the passengers are already feeling safe no more...

like i've mentioned, companion is very important to me... ie. i've never thought we all live alone... as a lonely island in the middle of nowhere by ourselves... whatever we do, there an effect on others, and vice versa...
for eg. i've just come across a news... which brought me back to the long old memory about a book that i read... written by 劉墉 (Liu Yong)
in the book, he wrote short stories of people he's met, or his friends... one of the stories, is about one of his acquaintances who (husband and wife) never travel together on the same flight, if the children are not with them... reason being... if there's anything happened to them (plane crash!???) there'll still be another one who can take care of their young children...
and today the news i came across, is about the actress Kate Winslet and her husband... who practise exactly as what's mentioned in the story...
ya... hearing it as a story and really seeing somebody practising it, is different...

anyway... like i've mentioned earlier... we all live for somebody...

S~N~O~W~

this is my belief... and i've shared with him...
and this is still my belief, and i'm sharing it in my blog now...
i believe... if i live long enough...
i'll see snow in this country one day....

technically, this is not just because i believe so..
technically, i also won't live that long...
but i still believe, there will be snow in this country one day...
as the weather is changing, the globe is changing, and it'll react one day....

from the area that i studied in uni looooooooooong time ago... long enough that, i hardly remember much anymore... besides a few faces, a few key words, and my field trips...
i know, given long enough time, this place, will be the coldest place on earth one day...
this is my belief... and it seems to happen pretty soon...

一直以來，我都相信著，也對他說過，有一天，我們住的地方，會下雪。。。
可能是生長於熱帶國家的關係，我們對於雪，好像都有一份迷思。。。
我常這麼對他說，說到後來，好像他也漸漸的相信，這會變成事實。。。

然而。。。不是因為自己天真，而認為，這裡，有一天會下雪。。。
因為以前讀地質的關係，知道，沒有什麽是絕對的，地球環境一直都在變變變。。。更何況現在人為的毀滅動作。。。變化，會發生得更快。。
原本我還想說，如果自己活得夠久，那麼我會見到下雪的一天（其實，如果這真的發生了的話。。。絕對不會是一件好事，世界末日快到了也！！）
但是。。。看到最近的氣候變化，人為的變化，好像。。。這樣的一天，就快到了。。。 （just around the corner ）

馬來西亞，終有一天，會下雪喲！！

YOu're my Dopamine~~

ya, many years ago, i came across this word... "dopamine" on a documentary (can't remember the title of it though)
^_^... ghee...
however... as of today, i search through the internet, most of the result can get to quite detailed in explanation, be it, scientific, or medical...
anyway, below is what i want and it's near to what i remember off the "documentary" that i came across many years ago...

"Dopamine is commonly associated with the pleasure system of the brain, providing feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement to motivate a person proactively to perform certain activities. Dopamine is released (particularly in areas such as the nucleus accumbens and prefrontal cortex) by naturally rewarding experiences such as food, sex,[9][10] drugs, and neutral stimuli that become associated with them. This theory is often discussed in terms of drugs such as cocaine, nicotine, and amphetamines, which seem to directly or indirectly lead to an increase of dopamine in these areas, and in relation to neurobiological theories of chemical addiction, arguing that these dopamine pathways are pathologically altered in addicted persons. Recent studies indicate that aggression may also stimulate the release of dopamine in this way.{Vanderbilt University (2008, January 15). Aggression As Rewarding As Sex, Food And Drugs, New Research Shows. ScienceDaily.}"

well... don't get into too details... ^_^ as it's just simply too scientific... hehe...

i started to think of "you're my dopamine" as...
i reckon, all of us do have somebody who's so precious that...
to put it in sentence, "i just can't do anything about him/her, the moment i see him/her, all anger, tiresome's gone"
and etc.
to most parents, maybe... their children are their dopamine...
for me... i realized this, many years ago... before our dear daughter comes to the world (then, it shall be revised)
so far, he IS my dopamine...
i'm sure most couples do have arguments once in a while...
same for both of us...
however, imagining how angry i can be, and what i shall do, what i shall say when i see him ^_^
WHEN i see him, all gets rubbed off... almost silently... for unknown reason...
unexplanable... (or, explanable, just that, the has-nothing-better-to-do me, simply try to me it slightly more complicated)
therefore, eventually... i reckon... he simply is my dopamine...

A TRip to Remember...

one day, somebody asked me, which place (of the places that i've been to... not many though) is a 'fun' place to have a leisure trip...
i've an answer, but i did not give... cos, whatever i answer, i doubt, it'll be the answer, the people wanted to hear, there and then...

my answer?
"it depends on the companion you go with"
yep... given me the best place in the world, if i end up with a wrong crowd, it'll not be a trip that's worth remembering...
i'm a very 'person' person...
lots of money to spend in the trip?
damn a lot of good food??
lots of shows to watch?
going to a lot of night / happening spots??

IF~~~!!!!! i were to end up with the wrong crowd... leave me alone then...

i know there're some of my friends, who can do trip alone... that's their blessing...
but i'd rather go with somebody i can enjoy to be with, for a trip...

and... strictly speaking... not just a trip, whatever i do, whoever i meet, wherever i go...
i do not know the exact reason, companions, is the key word to me....
work, play, stay, it's to be the right companion..
which i'm glad that i'm blessed with a bunch of good companions in my life... in work, in play, in trip...
and seriously... ^o^ putting work aside... (which i've not had the chance to experience)
he, so far is the best companion in all aspect, trip, stay... etc.
hahahahhaha~~~~!!!!!!
however, putting him aside again...
my school mates, my college mates... again, i'm blessed with having them, as the right companions for trip that i've had...
maybe this is because we kinda have the same understanding what's important for a trip...
it's not about having good food and good food alone, it's not about having a luxurious lifestyle in a foreign country, for the sake of having a luxurious lifestyle in a foreign country...
we... i guess.. (though i've never really asked) do understand that, a trip has to be enjoyable...
small hiccups, small obstacles, will not stop us from making it, a memorable trip...

therefore, to me, the right companion IS THE key factor for having a trip...
... can i name a place where it's the most 'fun' place to go?? value for money?? you can get all the things you want, from a trip???
no, i don't have an answer...
cos, it depends on who, you go with...
there maybe different people, with another type of answer... though...

Day Off

Hehe... yesterday, I declared a day off for myself :)
well... after Sunday's night dinner (he and I hosted a small new year gathering dinner at our own place, inviting 6 other friends) we're drop dead tired...
I was tired, maybe due to the work, or maybe due to over-eating... dunno!! ^_^
however... the next day... I decided to call-in sick...
since after I resumed my work in July, I didn't take any leave (as I don't have anymore leave left) and neither did I take any MC... and
since work seems to be under control... therefore, I gave myself some 'pampering session'

BUT!!! even though I've such thought in the morning, to "FULLY" utilize my "off day"... for eg. watching my 24 Season 6 1 shot - 18 hours, had my lunch wtih White Coffee... ^_^V
end result is: I woke up around 6.30PM in the evening, until sunset...

Everything's down the drain...
no 24 season 6, no white coffee... and no constructive activity... on my BIG off day...
eh... that's how I start my 2009.. haha!!

anyway... my little girl was busy kicking inside me, the whole of my sleeping "activity" yesterday... NOT sure if she's trying to wake me up for food? for real constructive activities or what... but as I was sleeping whole day, she was kicking inside me, for nearly whole day too... m(-_-)m

Later at night, I went to see the panel doctor for MC (oops... those who reads this, pls keep it to yourself, onegai!!)
and with my extensive and expressive description, I ended up with a gastric problem... woo hoo!!!
however... I manage to get my MC for the day... ^_^V

Good Bye!! (好走！！）

I do not know if any of us, or any of you who're reading this, has come to a point, where we live for somebody...
ya, somebody we love, somebody's who's dear to us...
we live, because of the person...
we whatever... because of the person...
else... why do we live...

(in Catholic terms.. we live, to praise God, to worship God... well... can I put that aside??)

yep.... we used to live just for ourselves... when we haven't found our destiny... haven't found somebody who's worth spending time with, spending life with... or... the somebody's there... exist? and we don't realize??

on the 9th of December 2008, my brother told me, our grandfather (my mother's father) have finally found out that, my mother has long left all of us... on the 23rd March this year... in the car accident...
he started calling people to confirm this bad news... (after we've kept from him for so long.. finally...)
and that after that... according to my brother, which according to my uncle who takes care of him... he refused to eat, refused to take medicine, and finally... on the eve of 16th Decembe 2008... he did not survive his 5th round of stroke... and passed away... at the age of 80++

my grandfather may have chosen not to live, since my mother is already not around... as, usually... my mother is the one who took care of him, while he's in the hospital... who called him up while he's bored.. and who advised him on how to deal with the others (since he's such a difficult character in a way)... now, the person, who he found, worth living for... is not around anymore...
maybe... maybe he chose to leave too... on that night...

I personally do not agree that, we should live for somebody... as we live for ourselves...
however... I also, do personally gather that.. up to a certain point in one's life... we do need somebody for us, to live for...
maybe because we're aging... maybe because of the bond we've slowly developed with others... and maybe.. for all sorts of other reasons that I can't think of...

十二月十六日，下午，我的外公與世長辭了。。。
大約兩個星期前。。。他老人家得知媽媽去世的事。。。套一句老話，茶飯不思，十五日，第五度中風入院。。。
小弟打電話來這麼說，“姐，公公，就是這樣了”。。。
說來蠻輕鬆的。。。我楞了一楞。。。問小弟，怎麼你說得這麼輕鬆，小弟說，“不然咧？”
可能是因為經歷了我們的媽媽那一趟。。。沒有什麽能夠讓我們能夠再次的斷腸般傷心。。。
不是說無情。。。外公也八十多歲了。。。有媽媽在的日子，他過得還有意思一點。。。現在，意思沒有了。。。可能，他老人家。。。， 再套一句老話，“不想活了”
其實。。。在媽媽過世之前。。。我最擔心，也最害怕聽到的是，外公去了。。。等呀等，等不到的惡訊，終於來了的瞬間，已經沒有了什麽感覺。。。

因為自己有了身孕的關係。。。（上兩個星期乘搭飛機的時候，差一點都不能上飛機了。。。後來，被我矇騙過去）這次去不到古晉為外公送行。。。

在這裡。。。我只想對他說，“外公，好走！”
有時候。。。我也在想。。。我們活著。。。是不是，都爲了誰。。。

Journey to Work

I know I know, whenever you think about getting up in the morning to work, the first thing that gets into most people's mind is the traffic jam in the morning...
ya... this idea sucks... how I wish I can stay and work in a city there's no traffic jam, plus cool weather ^_^

anyway, as my work place (subang jaya) and the place that I stay (puchong jaya) is not really far apart... I've got 2 choice / 2 options to go to work... the jam-like-hell until so famous LDP or the kesas...

ever since some time last year... when one of our lotus developer girls told me that she's been using kesas, I started using... till now... yes, it makes one's journey to work... more pleasant...

whenever I enter kesas highway from LDP... it's bright and wide blue sky in front of me, I'm always very tempted to snap a picture of that... different day, different view, different time, same sky, different sky...
I can't help but to smile... yes, it's pleasant...

maybe the picture I've taken using my Sony Ericsson W880i may not be as good as to deliver the real beauty of a bright blue pleasant day... however... here you go...

Hopefully, after this you'll enjoy your trip more... when you go to work ^_^

6-million-dollar Friends!! ^_^

Haha, I've always wanted to write something about it, it's not about 6 million dollars, but it's about friends - during tough time..

Well.. just wanna write something about it..

One of my friend told me this... while I was in the hospital with my father... (somebody who I met in this job)

"Decided to visit your blog and after reading through, i guess that as a friend, there's nothing much that i can offer in the aftermath of the tragedy that you have been through.

Life goes on and the only thing left is to keep the perfect memory of your mom.
Moments gone, people always said.
All i can say is be strong and look forward to helping your dad to recover as soon as possible.

Life is funny. You have seen people carrying gunny sacks on their shoulders, right?
Some people are born to be the gunny sacks and some people are born to helm the heavy task of shouldering it.
God works in a miraculous ways and I'm sure that He has his own reasons.
He won't choose you if you are not strong.

Let's pray for speedy recovery of your father and I'm sure everyone hope to see the old cheerful Choong soon.

Take care."

I know he posted to me on Multiply as a Personal Message, however, it's a very valuable piece of message that he's delivered to me... and while I was reading it... it made me cry... but in a way.. I did feel warm, and a little bit of relief plus enlightenment... thanks, Anderson

While one of my other colleague,
specially send me an sms... to inform me that, we've won a project, which we were branded as most expensive in price but best solution... ya, we thought we nearly lost the project... but eventually it came in.. and because of the hard work and effort she's put in all her work.. she went to Budapest... (during that time, we did not know that we'll be winning the project)
she told me the good news, just to cheer me up... thanks... thanks, Kas

At the same time, there's another one of the other colleague,
who constantly tell me non-relevant stuff... i mean, junks.. maybe just to ease a bit of my pain...

While most importantly it'll definitely be my darling... who's been supporting me during all those 3 months... remotely and closely...
and to be together with my 2 other brothers... make me realized that, most importantly.. is the whole family stay together...

The other day... I asked one of my other friend (a business partner who's more than a business partner though)
if she still cries (ya, after I came back to work in the month of July) whenever she thinks of her deceased father... who also, lost his life, while trying to rush back home to bring his kids to Genting...
ramp into a bus... this friend of mine, was only a teenager during that time, her elder brother had no choice but to quit the job and support the family...
the answer from her is : YES..
well... I guess... that's something that will not disappear in our memory..

Another one too... many years ago... I can't remember why we started the conversation - it started as a casual conversation, he told me that, one of his hands is shorter than the other one, and shorter than normal length, I asked him why... he said, car accident and the driver passed away... I thought it's one of his friends.... then, I asked, who's the driver... he lifted up his head and laugh... "my father"!!

However it is.. whatever that we've gone through... unspeakable...
I'm glad that, these friends of mine, are all doing fine and looking bright... with God's blessings...