blink of an eye.......

today.. is 1 year already, ever since my mother has left us during the car accident, last easter...

i still remember that day... when everything is upside down, when life's not life... when everything is almost meaningless to you, to all 3 of us...
i still remember, when i heard the news from my brother... my limps turned numb... i was using my notebook at that time, and i couldn't type further... i kept reminding myself, not to collapse, i was so scard that, i'll have a heart attack and i'll have stroke... (ya, my mind can really wonder very fast...)
[after this... my brother told me, what he heard is "modem sound"... ya, that's from me... he said, he's supposed to be very sad, but when he heard the "modem sound", he actually laughed... he told me aftermath... i was glad that, during that very bad time, 3 of us were together... and we did our best to cheer each other up, especially my 大弟]

.................
the other day, when i went for another checkup session in the hospital.. just another round before i finally have to accepted the fact that, i've to go for caesarian as my baby's still in breech position (i bombarded her with classical music, and some alternative music for nearly 1 week plus, down my pelvin bone area, hopefully that i can successfully lure her to turn her head downwards, so that i can proceed with my natural birth plan) i saw this lady, a new mother in
front of me, maybe doing her post-natal checkup... with her baby in the stroller...
and she was teasing the baby... playing with her... a very nice view ^_^

at that very moment... i kinda put myself in the picture... imagining me, to be her... and i'm sure, i'll like to say this to my mother, "Ma!! see your granddaughter so cute!!!"
BUT... i know... this can only happen in my dream... 午夜夢回時分... 當我還沒醒覺，你已離開一年...
我想，這是我一生的遺憾... something that i'll grow old with it, and carry it to my grave... for not being able to gratefully tell her... “你看，你的孫女兒，好可愛喲！！"

..............................
however, on this day...
ya, though it's already 1 year... sometimes... for a split second, i can easily forget that, she's no longer around... when i realize... of course... i do miss her a lot.............. a lot...............
normally i try not to remember what we've gone through that day... [mother killed immediately, while my father's sent to the hospital in sarikei, that time, doctor said chances to survive very slim... then, midnight, he's transported back to sibu hospital, heart beat stopped for a couple of time... my mother didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to us... maybe... maybe it runs in the family... maybe it's because none of us are good at handling separation... that's why, God gives her such a way to go... maybe... then... i can't remember much....]

on this day... it marks 1 year.... so fast...
so many things have happened... i'll say, life & death...
i lost her in March, then, i figured i'm pregnant in July...
生與死，樂與悲...
(life and death, up and down, loss and gain...)

like i've told some of my friends, me, being pregnant is a miracle, cos, i was separated from him, for nearly about 2.5 months... (he came to visit me fortnightly depends on his schedule.... but even when he came to see me, i'm still in the hospital looking after my half-dead father... arggh... again, not some experience worth remembering... if i've a choice)
that's why... having a baby, in such tough time... it's a miracle...
miracle blessed by God... and miracle in life... cos, that's life... life will be stronger, when we face losses and death...
(當人們經歷了最痛苦的時候，生命力，求生能力會更強)... maybe... maybe that's how i got conceived... and maybe that's the reason i am carrying a daughter...
(ya, i wish so much that, God will give me a daughter... not that, that'll be a replacement for the loss of our mother, BUT it's kind of consoling enough... as God listen to our prayer!!)

on this day... it marks 1 year... at the blink of an eye...
i just want to tell her that... "we're all doing fine......"