I'M a "kiasu" mother!

most of friends/colleagues/relatives know that i've quit (verbally, and am quitting my fulltime job) and will stay at home fulltime to look after baby, and TO COOK!! (contradict to the "tradition", i actually like my own food... don't you always hear those mothers who cook telling you that, as they've inhaled so much of the cooking oil and smell, they've lost the appetite to eat their own cooked food?? but i'm the other way round, i've always preferred my own food)

anyway...
frankly, deep down inside, i still have this little doubt, maybe 1% or maybe 5%, but a little... though decision will not be changed, BUT this "little" thing does count, at least, to me... cos, i'm a perfectionist in that sense, 1% of doubt is still different from 0%, though, result is the same...
doubt is -- if i quit, this will be my life, forever, at least for 10-20 years??
looking after baby, cooking, slowly loosing touch with friends in work?? waiting for him to come back from work, sleep, get up, cycle starts again....
working life vs. stay at home...
doubt, a little bit ONLY...
though i won't change my mind, i told my boss n-th time the other day, when she sms-ed me...

until... that one fine afternoon (in fact, it's bloody hot afternoon)
when i was carrying baby in front of my computer...
yep, there's this thing called mouse, especially on junk like facebook.com, you don't have to type much, just click all the way, and you'll spend your time just like that, therefore, whenever i bring baby out to the living room, either, i'll watch TV with her in my arms, or, surfing the internet, still... with her in my arm...
now, baby is 6-week old... and she starts to smile, make more sound, and more expression on her little face (she smiles/grins just right before she falls asleep, not sure if other babies are like this, or are we like this too??? as this, i reckon, is subconscious smile)
and when she was in my arms, she smiled...
sorry to say,
i behaved like all other mothers... (goodness gracious!!)
i thought, "gosh, that was so cute!!!"
AND that's the moment, the 5% doubt flew away...

i'm not kiasu in the sense that, i think, or i want my baby to be better than others in any aspect, but i'm kiasu...
in the sense that, i hate to miss any moment of her new development...
and that's the time, i know that, i'll not think twice to quit... if i ever go back to work, i'll sure miss all these marvellous moments of her, in her life, and in my life too...
and it will not happen again... i don't want to miss that...
that's how kiasu i am...

i remember one japanese drama...
one of the girl mentioned to a man on top of a bridge a river with beautiful river banks on each side...
she said to the man, "even though, the beautiful scenery is the same, but it's actually not the same, as one is yesterday, and one is today, everyday's different, and therefore, this place is forever beautiful to me, and i'll like to see it everyday, cos, the beauty is different every single day"
same to my baby,
even though she may smile everyday, and most of the time, or she may does whatever she's doing repeatedly...
but everyday is different to me, and also, to her...