whenever i recall...
the day, 2008 March 23 (easter sunday)... when i got the call from my brother...
when we went to pick her up in sarikei, she lied there, quietly, breathlessly...
the whole week of emptiness and pain after this...
a nightmare...
sometimes, i still can't believe all these actually happened (ya, like i've said many time, i STILL can't 100% get over it)
but there's no waking up, cos, it's real...
even though how much i wish, it's just a nightmare
and even though i still have the tendency to want to share the bits and pieces of my life with her, just like i used to sms her everyday, or, call her once in a while... ya, USED to...
and when i hold her in my hands now...
so small... a baby...
i know, most of the women do imagine and visualise themselves having a family, having children... but i rarely did that...
maybe it's simply unimaginable for me...
when i was about to give birth, a lot of people asked me, if i'm nervous, i told them this,
"i'm nervous, not about giving birth itself, but having a baby, a life that's so tiny, in front of me, in my arms... and i really can't imagine what i'm going to do with her"....
however, everything had happened, and everything had come real...
however... when i hold her in my arms, i sometimes, still can't believe, this is real...
as in.. choong's having a baby...
i never thought, choong & baby, can be in 1 space, 1 time, together...
ya, serious, i never thought about it...
and "choong" & "baby", somehow just sound funny when put together...
but whenever i have her in my arms, feel the warmth, hear her cry... feel her wiggling movement, saw her smile...
ya... it's real huh!!!
it's like a dream, that's so sweet... but in the end... it's actually real...
there're moments in my life...
i sometimes thought, it's just dream... it's all just dream...
however... i know... these are real events in A life that i'm living in now...
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