The PMS Theory…

No! it's not about PMS of course… ^_^,

It's just a lame explanation of my current mood, ie. not-so-high… (or, BAD) as previously blogged…

Women… in a way are just so blessed… cos, we've a biological excuse, to be in bad mood, or whatever mood you call it, once a month, ie. officially, we can show tantrum, throw temper, once a month, 12 times a year, not bad huh?? (not exactly 12 times, though… ^_^)

Well… haha… I'm not saying that, I'm in such situation yet, I mean, the biological condition, however, I guess… it's that prequel thing… starting…

So, I'm easily agitated… easily upset… easily…

Even the fact that, the light's too bright, or the aircon's too noisy…

All the day-to-day-same-thing, becomes enhanced… during this "season"…

Ahem…

I remember one of my roommates used to tell me,

After she snapped at some poor victims, that, she knew it's simply because of this biological thing, however, she just couldn't help it… haha… how cute!!!

Ok… we won't exploit it… it's still under control…

However, not showing it, and letting it off to people is one thing,

Feeling it, and deep down, you just don't feel right, is another thing…

That moment,

I'm not sure how people feel, when they're down, or, what they want to do, or what they not want to do, when they're down…

But then, just now, just for a moment,

I wish…

I wish, I'm somewhere else!!!!!!!!

Just somewhere… or, maybe become somebody, how nice, right??

If I can just "take a break"… like that…

Suddenly, I'm in london, walking around hyde park,

Or, suddenly I'm in tokyo, a student…

Whatever…

Just that split second, I wish…

I'm somewhere else…

I wouldn't want to deny that, I've this type of feeling once in a blue moon…

I just need to be alone, face it, talk to it, and maybe… I shall be fine…

Then, wait for the next round… ^_^…

Is it because of that PMS thing? Frankly, I can't tell… or, is it because of my motherhood?

I don't think it really matters much, as long as, I face it…

Face it, recognise it, THAT, I've this type of down feeling…

I'm not a superhuman, and yes, I'm just a human,

Sometimes, I really want to be alone, quiet, and all quiet…

Though, I may not do anything…, but I enjoy the quietness…

And again, maybe I can start dreaming…

That, I AM… SOMEWHERE...

You just won't listen, will you?

Loooooooooooooooong time ago, I posted this… ya, very looooooooooong time ago, while Babel was still showing in the theatre…

And ya… today, my mood's not that high, (I don't want to say, I'm in a bad mood, but then, ya, I am, just for no reason… my mood's not so good, I lost my temper to baby, she refused to be nursed properly, and she refused to go to bed, properly, that's why… but on top of that, loud noises outside… everything, just didn't feel right for me, ie. that, I'm in a not-so-good mood, sitting here, typing… luckily, there's BLOG, that, I can rant, rant, rant and rant!)

Anyway… many years ago,

I posted this "I just won’t speak & You just won’t listen!!!",

And today, I suddenly thought of certain behaviour, or certain people, and that, I'm upset again…

Cos, things haven't changed, and I know, things will not change… it happened everywhere… just everywhere, right in front of you, outside the house, and probably including myself, I'm committing it… ie. "not listening to my daughter??" (ya… maybe!)

I suddenly thought of some people, those in my life…

What they like to say is, "tell me, talk to me, else, I won't know!!"

Ya… I won't, cos, I know you just won't listen…

These type of people, especially these type of people,

Those who don't really want to listen to what you say, how you feel and what you want…

Normally do like to tell you, from time to time, "talk to me, then, I'll know!!"…

Let me tell you, it's all marketing gimmick…

Marketing about themselves… just marketing talk, pure marketing talk…

Come on!!!

Sometimes, even somebody sooooooooo close to them (flesh and blood??) talk to them, tell them what they want, or particulary, WHAT THEY DO NOT WANT!! HOW THEY FEEL NEGATIVELY ABOUT THEM!! No!! They will not want to listen, and they start arguing, start putting on a show, and start saying that you're not so good a… ok, a son, or a daughter…

Yet, they tell other people, "talk to me!!"

Please! Give me a break…

If you can't even solve your own family "issue", ie. communicating within underneath your own roof, don't go out and tell people, or try to imply to others that, YOU'RE A PERSON WHO'LL LISTEN??

Please!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd rather talk to wall, talk to tree…

No, I don't trust you!

The Peppermint (OS) Story...

Ya ya ya… it's my linuxy story again, I know you're probably bored by now… but then, ah ha… I'm not… therefore, I'm still blogging loads about it, right?

Ok… back to that very old, super old notebook, HP Omnibook 6000,

Probably you'll suggest me to chuck it away, but then… hey… besides, there're some cracks somewhere (due to the carelessness of the previous owner, aiyo~ how can anybody uses notebook until like that…) it's still a functioning notebook… except that the battery's dead… the rest, still good and sound…

Anyway, well… I put that ubuntu 9.10 on it, works fine, just that, it's really pretty slow… ok, I now know that, ubuntu's still pretty resource hunger, if you've to put this soul into a 70-year-old body… kakaka…

So, I tried another no-problem-to-be-installed OS, ie. peppermint OS, (peppermint ONE)

It's a very lightweight linux distro, I've taken a look at it, as it doesn't really install a lot of local apps, most of its by-default programmes are web-based, for eg. If you go to office directory, it'll show you all the google docs links bla  bla bla…

So, I thought, this is lightweight..

Anyway, the touch and feel is… yes, it's faster, faster than ubuntu…

So, I installed it…

The problem is, it doesn't recognize that netgear wg511 at all, NOT AT ALL!!

As I was prepared loooooooooooong ago, so, I went ahead to try that ndiswrapper thing… ya, try to be smart… kakaka… try to be techy too…

I hooked it up with the LAN cable, the super conventional way, by doing that, ie. I'm limited to my workdesk LO!!! @_@

There, I got internet connection, (ya, wired, gosh!! That sounds so old!)

And then, I started doing that ndiswrapper thing, by following all the steps on the forums/wiki bla bla bla…

Fine!!! At first, it's fine, the command could be used, and netgear wg511 (from windows, that *.inf file) could be installed, and that, the OS actually recognized it… ooh~~~ cool NE!!!

HOWEVER!! Still… that network card didn't blink, AT ALL…

So, I went further troubleshooting (if it is…) and type this type that, type like a pro, I mean, all the commands…

Suddenly, damn! That NDISWRAPPER command failed…

It's installed, loaded,

And whatsover…

BUT THAT, when I did that modprobe thing… damn!! It kept saying that, it doesn't exist…

This was worse than not having that driver to be recognized…

I said, I was prepped to do that ndiswrapper thing TO install the netgear driver,

But I WAS NOT PREPPED AT ALL, to solve that pre-requisite, ie. NDISWRAPPER!!

Now, I've 2 problems to solve, damn!!

In the end, yes, I declare…

I gave up…

Wack the whole machine, give it back its happily-run OS, ie. ubuntu 9.10…

@_@

Oh! Happy Day!!! Netgear WG511 finally is willing to marry Ubuntu 9.10

Yes… finally!!!

Finally!! Finally… I know it doesn't mean much to you, and to most of the people,

But I've to talk about it,

When there no solution, it doesn't mean that there's no solution,

You get what I mean??

For eg. If a patient's incurable, it doesn't mean that the patient's really incurable, simply because the doctors don't know what to do about him/her…

Sad, but true!!

See!! I've 2 hurdles to overcome, ever since I got that super old computer, yes, you read super old, not super computer, HP Omnibook 6000,

I tried different windows (of course, it's stupid choice) XP, to 2000, well.. It's built for win2000 anyway…

Eventually I've to resolve to win2000…

Well… in the first place, when I get that notebook, my intention is to give it an ubuntu…

Ok… I'm not like expert in anything, neither in ubuntu…

Ubuntu works like bliss in my near super old notebook, ie. twinhead efio 121A, so, I thought ubuntu can do wonders…

I tried with ubuntu 10.04 LTS, nope, it's loaded, but then, it failed to recognize that netgear WG511 wireless card…

Gosh!!! My twinhead which I thought was old enough, at least have a built-in wireless card, but this HP Omnibook, need a PCMCIA wireless card, and I'll tell you, netgear's not the best choice…

Though I've a second choice, some usb d-link wireless card too… again, it's not the best choice, they're equally bad as each other… I mean this d-link, and that netgear…

Fine!!! I still "beh gam wan" (hokkien) and searched in and out…

Serious, in and out, many nights… same forum read through and through…

Hoping to get some direction out of it…

Eventually I gave up, yep, that moment, I gave up… win2000 I installed…

The problem is not just netgear driver not identified or anything,

Another problem is that, this old notebook, kinda load the liveCD SLOWLY!! If not unsuccessfully…
So, after I finally decided on win2000 (just as how it's given to me) I kinda put that notebook to the storage…

Then one day, I took it out, hands itchy…

I tried again, cos, I just installed linux mint 9.0 on my twinhead… which is even better… and I simply love it…

So, I "beh gam wan" again, and stried that linux mint 9.0 on this super old notebook…

Cos, in fact, I was prepared to do that ndiswrapper thing… after reading to much on the ubuntu/linux forums,

Ya… I was ready to do that ndiswrapper thing, to at least prove that REALLY~~ THERE'S NO SOLUTION!

I tried that linux mint 9.0 again, gosh!! Took a long time to load the liveCD and it doesn't load nicely, some errors… fine! It just refuse to install properly, while the CD keep spinning in the drive… (linux mint 9.0 came with the ndiswrapper)

Then, I tried knoppix, where one of those people actually mentioned… that it works… it works? With netgear WG511??? Ok, I must try…

No!! The HP Omnibook 6000 didn't even want to load that ISO… fine!!!

So, I tried the new ubuntu, ie. lubuntu, and xubuntu, downloaded their liveCD ISO, same as knoppix, refused to be read by the notebook, AT ALL!!!

Like I said, I couldn't even proceed…

Since I've tried that ubuntu 10.04 which didn't have a good result either, ie. installed, but can't recognize that netgear driver…

I saw my old ubuntu, ie. 9.10, and I was thinking, maybe I should give it a try, since it's such an old notebook, maybe it'll like it…

Ya… installing is a bliss… ^_^,

Upon rebooting…

I went to the notebook… standing, thinking that how it may look like…

Suddenly I saw the top panel… reading "eclipse"… ooi? Isn't that my netword SSID?

Ooi? How come?? Bizzarre!!

I couldn't believe it, cos, it's asking for the SSID password…

Ooi!!! O.o..

Hm…

I keyed in, I saw the network card blinking…

It's blinking… ie. the OS recognized the card's driver, I mean the OS has that driver…

Wow!!!!!

Cos, I read in and out, up and down, left and right, all the forums, I came to 1 conclusion,

There's NO DISTRO which could just identify the driver, OUT OF THE BOX!!!

That's the reason, I was all geared up, and prepared to do that ndiswrapper thing…

And now??

Gosh!!! Same my work… it's happily running now, notebook happy, I happy!

And I told myself… on those forums that I've looked into, yes, there's no solution,

Cos, I guess, most of the time, either those people gave up, bought a better notebook, OR,

Bought a better card!

Yes, these people gave up…

In fact, there IS a solution...

If you know very well that, I'll not be happy about it, then, don't do it behind my back, that's the minimal respect that you can give me, and you yourself...

If you think that, the word "respect" is only for elderly, then, please start learning again…

Nobody says "old people" can't learn…

Yes… I can't just get myself to agree those elderly, be it grandparents, or aunties, or uncles, who!!!!! Tentatively teach our kids to hide the truth from us, and bribe them to junk food, sweets, outing to shopping malls… (if you tell your parents, you won't have these anymore!) ie. teaching them to lie!!!

Why teach young children to lie!!

Why teach young children to hide things from their very own parents??

Cos, simply you think you OWN the parents?? And thus, you own the grandchildren too??

It sucks!!

Yes, I can't trust this type of elderly 100%,

And I definitely won't give them my respect 100%,

If you want people to give you respect, as a human, as an individual, then do something that's respectable,

Not something like this, behind my back, bla bla bla…!!

And worse is, if you want to do something like this,

Be smart enough to not let the whole world know…

Not even 1 single soul…

Not just me,

But others,

If other parents entrusted their kids to you,

Tell you all the DON'Ts,

Please respect!!

Like I said, that's the minimal respect that you should have, for others, and thus for yourself!!!

If you disagree, then, sit down and come to an agreement,

Avoiding, and hiding, that's not a solution though you may think it is…

IT IS NOT!!

Well… you can continue to live your life like an ostrich, ie. unwilling to face the truth, unwilling to face confrontation, unwilling to face solution…

Fine!!

There go my respect..

Then, don't complain to me that, others have no respect for you!

Ye!! I finally… forgot about my own birthday… ^_^

See!! It always looked "dramatic" to me that, one can actually forgets about his/her own birthday ^_^, how can that be…

Well, it can be, if you really are busy, and your mind's elsewhere,

So, for once, I am REALLY BUSY, and I'm not pretending,

And my mind's somewhere LIAO!!!

On the eve, he got back earlier, though we've talked about buying a cake earlier on…

But when he got home earlier, I actually asked him why,

He said, "tomorrow's your birthday",

Ding!!! I see I see…

Ya… now I know, really, mothers, really are able to just forget about their own birthday, and probably only remember the husband's and the children's...

24-hour production...

Baby's just recovered from her fever, yep, high fever… the highest we got (ear thermometer) was 40 degree celsius,

Then, the reading wandered around 38. something, to 39. something, no good, no good!!

Anyway, she's recovered,

To have a peace of mind, or course, doctor took her blood, (and of course, she cried loud loud, as loud as she could… nearly tear down the clinic)

To rule out dengue, tyroid, UTI (also took urine) and etc.

Phew…

Praise to Lord, it's neither none of these…

Just viral infection,

Though, there's no direct relationship, and that doctor also told us that, it couldn't be…

The 2nd day when she got the high fever, after the clinic, I happened to be standing behind her, facing the top of her head, and she happened to open her mouth,

I saw her molar tooth, both sides, sprouting…

Could that be the cause?

Well… all experts will tell me, NOPE!!!

But I thought, that's the trigger… anyway… it doesn’t matter,

Afterall, she's recovered, just with some paracetamol, and some ibuprofen, luckily no antibiotic, well, we're given a bottle of it, but luckily…

And as what doctor has briefed us,

After the fever subsided, rash will come up…

Hahaha… REALLY!!!

Later that night, baby started to have some rash on her forehead, and the rim of her head,

Then, the next day, she woke up with rashes all over her face,

Look funny!!! ^_^,

Though, with rashes, at least, she's of better mood now…

As of today, the rash has covered her body, to the legs…

Poor baby…

Oh!!! My point is…

I guess, it's that teething thing,

Gosh!! Ever since she's her fever, technically I think… it's only 4-5 hours a day, that my boobs are cleared of her… ^_^

She's constantly on me, as long as I sit, even though when I'm doing my chores (cooking, for eg., or washing) she did try to get me to carry her, but at least, today, she started to listen to me, and gave me some time to complete my task…

Though… as long as I start sitting down…

That's it!!!

Ie. I can't rest LO!!

Night? It's worse!!

See!!  Normally I do have my personal time and space, at night, ie. after midnight! (internet, write blog, do some backup, do some point-less techy stuff)

But since the fever!!

Gosh!! She's constantly asking for me, to go back to the room, and to offer her my assets!

@_@

Yes!! I know, dear!! I know that it's the teething thing that makes you uncomfy, and having wakeful night, but… can you please don't KACAU mama???????? Let mama do some personal thing??

PLEASE!!!!~~~~ ONEGAI~~~~~~~

862

Ok… there're always 2 big groups of parents, basically, these 2 big groups, will not agree with each other, ^_^

While there're some, who believe that, kids can learn from TV, (technically TV programmes, DVD, VCD, etc.) there're some, who believe in the other way…

Anyway, I guess, I kinda belong to the latter… ^_^

(don't condemn me, and I won't condemn you, ok??)

So, my cable, does not have that kids package,

And I don't have many kids DVDs yet, at home… I think I bought one the other day, mainly for song, but that, I've yet to play for baby… kekeke…

However, it doesn't say that, our TV's not been on,

I do put on the TV, when I wanna watch my show, but of course, baby won't really watch with me,

Sometimes, she'll peep peep, then, she'll start to disturb me, and that's the usual sentence, "baby, let mama finish watching this show first…"

Everyday…

Yet, of course, those shows, actually are not that important too, not that I have to follow them through, it's just that, at that moment, I somehow watch it, and I somehow find it interesting that, I want to continue watching…

And yes, those are shows for adults like us… ^_^,

If I will not be there, in front of the TV with her, I won't put on any channel that's watchable,

I'll switch to 862, yes, Opus…

Well… our Astro, may not be the best cable TV for the nation, and yes, they suck out all our hardearned money, with poor quality, come on!!!!!!!!!

Rain?? Can't watch,

And some condominium (like what we're staying in)… pueh!! Some channels, for eg. History, Fox, I can't watch, why?? For whatever reason, I know I know, it's the cable's been changed, or the dish's been changed, and that, we need to upgrade, but nobody's going to bear the cost, not even us,

I'm not going to pay more…

Whatever it is…

One channel, I truly appreciate, is, 862 (ah ha! How ironic, isn't it!!!)

Sad to say, even our national radio, does not have a classical channel, (do we?)

And therefore 862's our favourite, yes,  mine, and his, not sure about baby…

Though, whenever I put that channel on, she doesn't act cranky, however, I know, she's one who'll enjoy music, as much as we do, especially rock music, as, there're days, I'll actually put on some j-pop, for eg. Funky monkey baby, or alternative rock, Radiohead, and start to headbang in front of her,

Or, I'll put on ono lisa's bossa nova, and start dancing with her…

That's how she relates with music… kakaka!!!

Then, with 862?

Ok… while I was pregnant with baby… (yes, when she's still inside my big tummy)

Some nights, after work, I'd fall asleep in the couch, and when I got up late at night,

Relaxing and soothing classical music in the background, yep, he's put that channel on for me,

Wow! What nice and relaxing sleep…

At present, sometimes, in the afternoon, as there aren't many interesting show to watch, seriously!! There aren't!!!!!!!!

And I can't afford to just plant my ass down in the couch, following crap drama, or crap show, as baby does want my attention, almost all the time…

When there's nothing else to watch, ok, I need, if not WE (baby and I), some sound at the background,

That's where 862 comes…

Ha!!! Even during dinner time lately,

We also put it on, cos, the rest of the shows are simply too noisy!!!!!!!

And not that, we're paying any attention to those shows, while eating, right??

862 862 862!!!!!

a state of denial...

Today, I was just thinking… ya, out of sudden, it pops out of my mind…

That, we, probably chinese, if not SEAsian, if not, asian… generally are living in a state of denial…

It's about food!!

About our services, the service industries…

Why?

Seriously speaking, the services in our country sucks, the shop assitants sucks, the waiters, waitresses sucks, with their superly duper servicing habit, that sucks… they rarely smile, they rarely say thank you, and they're most of the time slow, and deaf…

Fine, that’s service!

Food wise? Some of the shops with food that taste bad, or bland, survived,

Yet, there're people who still go there, pay for the service that sucks, and pay for the food that taste bad!

Sometimes, it's out of convenience, sometimes, it's out of no-choice, and MOST OF THE TIME, it's because, everywhere's the same…

Same goes with our BIG BROTHER!

They lie, they've scandals, they use our hard-earned money,

Yet, they're there, still living happily, sucking out the people's money!!

Why? Cos, most of us, live in a state of denial,

We prefer to wait and see, see if there're some heroes who'll do some changes, else, we just sit at the corner, sulk and complain, yet, still live our normal life, believing that, it MAY BE better eventually, or, believing that, by not looking at it, not thinking about it, not talking about it, then, it won't happen, and it doesn't exist…

YA! PRETENDING THAT, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, PRETENDING THAT IT'S NOT HAPPENING,

PRETENDING THAT, OUR COUNTRY'S STILL SAFE,

PRETENDING THAT, THE SERVICES INDUSTRY IS NOT THAT BAD AFTERALL, COS, EVERYWHERE'S THE SAME…

It's just like…

Knowing or suspecting that you may have a growth in your body, that eventually may take away your life… but you decide to ignore it, delay the checkup, or just pretending that, it will not happen, it won't happen to you, bla bla bla… ya, like it doesn't happen, and it'll not happen…

This type of growth (cancer) of course eventually will eat our life, if not our soul… just like the BIG BROTHERS out there!!!

I suddenly thought of this, it's because, well… I've a problem, either you name it my personal problem, or family problem (ok, I'm not going to talk about it… blueh!)

But then, yes, the problem exists… to me, it exists, cos, sometimes, it haunts my mind… giving me sleepless nights…

Ok, I've many reason to be sleepless, and this is definitely one of them… ^_^

Anyway…

Thinking about THAT problem, and thinking about if I should just sweep it under the carpet, or  I should start sharing about it,

Yes, you may think that, sharing doesn't make much help, but at least it does, for me,

I may start thinking about it again, start wanting to write it down, and start "tidying up" the whole emotion in my mind, it does help, a little bit, just a little bit, of course, to really help, I guess, action need to be taken, however, I really do not know what actions are needed in the mean time…

So, I shall just keep thinking about it, and thinking, and thinking…

I once shared it with one of those counseling people, who's a blog, ie. a blogger… this is what she told me,

"seeking for help" is a strength by itself…

I also happened to come across another blog owner who shares article about child, possibly having a delayed speech problem… yes, quickly seek for help, ie. therapy will at least, do something about it, RATHER THAN "WAIT AND SEE"! WHICH IS WHAT WE do most of the time, ie. wait and see!!!!!!!!!!!!

See if miracle will happen, see if those BIG BROTHERS will be struck by lightning and just die overnight like that (ya! Bravo! GOD has eyes!)

If we're sick, we need to go to the doctor,

If we need help emotionally, we need to go for help too… (saying that, I'm not saying I've an emotional problem, at least, not now…)

If our child needs help, ya, though, nowadays parents like to brag about their children, most parents, may choose to continue to live in denial stage, cos, they're rather brag, than talk about their children's problem, especially developmental problem…

Poor kids, and therefore, their help comes much later… till one say, the parents, can't deny anymore…

OK!! IT'S TOO LATE!

TOO LATE LO!

Overall, we just hate to admit that, we have problem, or we may have problem, seeking help, in our society, seems weak,

Admitting that we need help is weak,

Probably if we're sick, we're considered looser, (ya, as if  I want to be sick?)

If our children are slow, we're looser,

If I've emotional problem, I'm looser,

Bla bla bla…

But denying, will it help?

Ya, it will!!! Certainly!! In your dream!

Apartment Therapy Combo

I've just realized that, I've not been posting my favourite pictures from apartment therapy… ^_^,

Being my favourites, of course, it means, I wish, I can live in there…

Those nice kitchens, nice living rooms…

When I saw the picture below, the first thought was, "nice!", but then, I started to think of all the horror films… that happened to those lonely houses in the wood… then, I said, "no!"…

I've always thought that, the apartment or even expensive condominiums in our country, their designs kinda sucks… I mean, the big body, the frame itself, I'm not saying about the ID… look!!! Living room always comes with sliding door, what else?

I want my living room to have windows… can I?

Some simple ones… which I wish, my kitchen, or my living area will be like…

But I particularly like this… small and cosy...

And I definitely want my study to be like this, if I'll have a study…

And of course, my bedroom, see!!! Windows!!!

Where are my windows?

^_^ the last one's particularly romantic and cosy...

the shopping therapy...

This afternoon, I was kinda "blank" for a while,

Couldn't think of what I wanna eat for lunch,

It's not just a "couldn't think of", it's rather… there's nothing I wanna eat, for lunch…

It took me a while, to really "brainstorm"…

Then, I told him…

I stressed on the fact that, I'm not, but I just told him that,

It's not that I'm in depression, but somehow, I've lost interest, in wanting to eat anything… (I'm a greedy pig, I love to eat, and I enjoy food…)

I went on and explained to him that,

In fact, after becoming a mom, not that I'm complaining,

But I kinda "lost" the joy that I used to like, and enjoyed…

For eg. I like to shop for bags, and shoes… (not those expensive branded one, just one of those from vincci, or padini…)

I still have a lot of them, in the storeroom, I mean, the bags, and the shoes…

But now, I find wearing a pair of heels, sucks, it makes my feet pain… gives me blister…

Fine!

Next, we've been carrying baby diaper bag, though we didn't use that so-called diaper bag, I picked a petshop bag, as her diaper bag…

And since I've to carry baby most of the time, and leaving him to carry the bag,

Ie. there's no handbag for me,

I know if I really need, I, and we, still can manage,

Just last night, I actually took out a bag.. (sigh, again, petshop bag) and put my stuff in, but then, for practicality reason, I actually put baby's stuff in it too, thinking that, we'll still survive in ONE bag…

He commented, "it still look the same, the bag's mainly for baby…"

Later at night, I resume everything…

This morning, I told him, "practicality won!"

As for shoes,

Yep, since heels hurt,

Guess what I put on my feet?

Easy answer, pairs of crocs…

Of course, if you ask me, I don't mind having all those nice nice cute cute pairs of crocs, the problem is, they're not cheap, each pair, easily comes up to 200 bucks, that's not what I want to spend,

Compared to how I bought my shoes previously, a few pairs in one go, or, frequent purchase…

I can't afford that type of "lifestyle"…

I told him, it's not that, we really can't afford financially, it's just that, I don't have the mentality, to spend 200 bucks on a pair of shoes on a frequent basis…

I just can't..

Cos, I'm not born rich, I didn't grown up in a rich family,

I was trained to be careful and be "wise" on how and what we spend…

Not that, I'm a very thrifty person, I still spend, but then, I'm absolutely conscious about spending…

THEN…

I conclude to him that,

My "joy" is gone now… that type of shopping joy, buying lots of bags, and lots of shoes…

It's good "change" for me, indeed… however, it's just something missing…

There, I told him, that's why, now, I only spend on gadgets, yet, still cautiously, and will always ask for his opinion and "approval"…

Well… it's good that I don't really get into this sort of "mood" often,

It's really very "once in a blue moon" thing…

Immediately, I thought of something to eat…

In fact, I guess, I probably miss melbourne, miss having all sorts of nice café, with good coffee… just anywhere along the street…

Miss not having to think of what to have for food, cos, it's only "limited" choice, ie. café… and that's it…

The only difference is, within these cafes, what sort of hot food they serve, and that makes it very interesting, cos, most of the time, we'll find good "gem" (interesting and yummy food) in these just-like-any-other cafes…

I guess, that's actually what I miss…

While back here, yes, we're spoilt with choice, but then, life becomes "complicated" and not so simple, with these choices…

Food, what sort? Chinese, indian, thai, malay, local?

And how? Café, restaurant, hawker?

Price range? Very very wide scale…

Aircon/non-aircon??

See!!!!

We're spoilt with choice, but then, life becomes kinda headache because of these choices…

Maybe that's why, I'm suddenly in this "blank" mode…

But of course since I love to eat, immediately I "bounced back" to my usual self, but missing the beef rendang in chilli padi in melbourne, I suddenly thought of madam kwan,

Frankly being in my own country, I actually can't think of where to get a decent beef rendang… but only madam kwan…

So, we had our lunch @ madam kwan, yes, luckily, it's satisfying, and it quenches my thirst about beef rendang, about chilli padi, and about melbourne…

Wel… that's life,

And life… needs different sort of THERAPIES!

my little baby…

I do,

And I do very much, miss baby's baby time… (if you know what I mean…)

She's 1.5 year old now, and she's so different from the baby who's just come out from my big tummy,

I miss carrying her in my sling, sleeping soundly… curled up… (I still sling her, but she'll be fully alert looking around, though, sometimes, she'll fall asleep when she's tired… yes, that's the time, I'll enjoy her peaceful baby-ish look!)

I miss cuddling her, in my arms, a helpless baby… either nursing her, or simply carrying her… (I still carry her a lot, whenever she wants me to, but then, again, she'll be fully alert, and pretty wiggly, most of the time…)

Just now, there's a heavy storm,

Loud thunder, ligtning struck, etc…,

It's about her bed time, and she kinda feel scared,

Normally we try not to scared her of anything, any event, or any subject, for eg. Darkness, or loud irritating noise, but for the thunder,

By nature, she's scared,

And she said "pao pao", (either, "carry", or "scared scared")

So, I carried her, sat on the bed, I told her, we're not going to the living room,

And I told her that, it's ok, it's just a storm…

I told her,

The thunder sound's just like hard rock music, it's a rock concert out there,

And I told her,

The rock concert stars will feel tired soon, cos, it's tiring to hit the drum loud all the time, that's why, thunderstorm, won't last too long, it's those soft drizzling rain, may last up to whole day…

And I told her, "listen!! The rain, it's like nice music…".

I pat her on her back,

She's supposed to be suckling my boobies…, somehow, she didn't, maybe she's too tired…

I sang songs, "I got peace like a river", "his name's higher"…

Then, I told her more story about the thunder, and the rain…

Eventually, she fell asleep in my arms,

For a while, I actually enjoyed that moment,

This sort of peaceful moment, just between the both of us…

And at that moment,

She made me feel that, oh, this is just a small baby, just like when she's first born…

Harmless, and helpless…

Yes, I kinda miss carrying her to sleep…

(in the first month, I actually breastfeed her to sleep… you may shake your head, but that's who I got my good sleep…, ya, I am capable of sleeping, in sitting position, same to baby… I guess…)

Then, I told her, "baby, I'm going to put you down to the bed, and you're going to continue sleeping, that way, you'll be more comfortable…",

Yes, then, she found her peace, and slowly nursed to sleep…

When I was left "alone", I actually thought of the story of "life is beautiful", where, the parents, particularly the father, actually did his best,

To not incur fear, about humanity, about war, to his son, who were all in the concentration camp, by the german…

I've always thought that, this movie's the best, the most beautiful movie ever made,

At least, in my humble opinion… and my humble taste about movies, about stories… ^_^,

And I know very well… I'll be the type of parents, who'll also want to let my baby, believe that, "life's beautiful"…

Well… life's ugly, in a way, and life sucks, most of the time…

THAT!! I think, she'll be able to find out, when she grows older…

However, to believe that, life will be beautiful, if you do believe in, and you do have faith…

I guess, it's important, for me, and for her…

Life IS beautiful… if you do see the beauty in it...

baby talks, baby answers...

When we're in our friend's house in melbourne, her son, Ben and baby basically "hangout" in the living room, among the toys, the most often…

Well, they don't really hangout together… ie. play together, but kinda together…

Cos, the adults were busy about their own business…

My friend rita, mainly in the kitchen, or with the younger son, 9 months old…

Me, mainly in the bedroom, or bathroom, or busy talking with my friend,

Her husband, in the study,

Ok… he, normally was with baby… observing the 2 of them…

And therefore, the following "information" was updated by him, indeed… ^_^…

2 of them, were at the sofa,

Playing with toys…

Ben said to baby, "oh man! Why you don't speak!",

Baby, "… … … … …"

After a while, baby blabbered, "ba bu" (ya, her favourite words…)

Ben, "oh man! What's "ba bu"??"

Haha… kinda cute, I mean for Ben, the way he described to me about his "oh man!"…

The next day,

I also kinda "overhead" their "conversation" (mainly monologue) a the coffee table…

Again, both standing around the coffee table, with loads of toys…

Ben was saying something… quite a few things, I didn't really listen to what he was saying…

Then, I think, I heard baby said, "k!"…

Those "K" that we adult uses when we're kinda "nagged" by others… haha!

Ben - 3 years old,

Baby - 1.5 years old...

A red-eye flight… for baby… and us!

We flew back from melbourne, midnight last Saturday… ie. we're at the airport, waiting for boarding, Friday night…

Everything seemed to go well…

Well… based on the experience while flying to melbourne, we're very proud of baby… cos, she's behaving, she's singing, and she's enjoying the flight there… seemed to know that there's going to be a holiday…

Ok… we're still proud of her, just that, we're… or, particulary, I, felt bad about handling the situation…

What situation??

Well… on the flight back, she cried,

Cried out loud, the shouting type…

Normally that's what she'd do, ie. "Arrr~~", followed by a heightened pitch, "wu ar~~~~~~~~~~~~"…

Twice…

I felt bad,

Felt bad for her… cos, I overlooked…

Expecting her to be still behaving…

Sleep time, she'll sleep, eat time she'll eat…

Things didn't turn out that way…

While I was prepping her to sleep… ie. by telling her repeatedly, she seemed to be still playing…

Yes, my mistake again, cos, I still have to breastfeed her to sleep, ie. she still needs my boobs…

Second thing, as she didn't get a seat of her own, she's technically on my lap ALL THE TIME, either facing me, or facing front… but ON MY LAP…

So, I was telling her, "baby, we're going to sleep already, they're going to off all the light, it's going to be dark..", but she still seemed to be in a playful mood… fine!

Then, I could see that, she really was very very sleepy, rubbing her eyes, em… she could hardly opened her eyes…

She's facing me, nursed… and fell asleep for a short while…

Twice… after falling asleep for THAT LITTLE SHORT WHILE, she'd sit up, eyes still closed, cos, she's really very tired and sleepy, and started crying… head swaying, cos, she's really very tired… (that's what made me feel bad, cos, I didn't manage to figure out why yet!)

And that, I kept forcing her to sleep, facing me, sit up position…

And I told her repeatedly, TO BEHAVE…

There's once, I even lost my patience, and smacked her on her thigh a couple fo time… (ya, bad me! Bad mother!)

That's what made her cry really loud…

Suddenly, I saw her, kept jerking, and leaning backward,

I then realized… oops… maybe… maybe she needed to lie down,

Yes, then, I realized, all night time, her real night bedtime sleep… she always has a nice bed to lie down…, on her back…

When we're in our friend's house, though all 3 of us, on a queen size bed, she still managed to sleep very very soundly… happily…

What's the problem now…

Yes, suddenly I realized, she needed to have a bed…

For a short while, a split second, I panicked…

And I even snapped on him, while he's trying to give suggestion…

My problem was, while I was trying to put her in various sleeping position, I did kinda try to put her lying back down, ie. her head on his lap, and legs on mine…

But she still made a fuss out of it, crying out loud, and that kinda made me ruling out sleeping on our laps…

And what more to say, even if she's willing to lie down, on our laps, how am I going to nurse her? Switching sides somemore???

Ok… I was desperate, or rather, we're desperate,

All 3 of us were desperate,

So, somehow, I managed to do it…

At the end of the day… ^_^,

He could hardly move, cos, we really did not want her to wake up and cry anymore… we wanted her to have a good sleep…

And I?? Yes, I managed to sleep, with her head on my lap, and her legs on his lap…

It's kinda stunt…

At time when she got up for breastmilk, depends on which side, I'll just "slide" her body on our laps, to suit the position of my boobs… ^_^,

And hurray!!!

She actually slept through… till we arrived safely in LCCT…

Woke up…

Happily and lively…

My dear baby...