How to welcome your new colleague... ^_^

Ya, this is about how to welcome a new colleague, if you're going to have one!!!
1. you bring her to some place in the office building, for eg. a facility, which you think you should be proud of, but then, nobody actually uses it

2. then you tell her this, "I don't know why boss employed you, since you have no knowledge of the supposed job or whatsoever, you're just going to mess up the processes, coz, you do not know anything!!!"... when there're chances, you'll repeatedly tell her the same thing

3. it happens that one of your colleague is not around (maybe because she's some family issue to settle) you secretly enjoy that fact that she's not around, by saying to the new colleague, "this colleague of mine, I don't know if she's coming back or not, take such a long leave, she must as well just quit, to release the post to other people!!"

4. you don't have to bring the new colleague to be introduced to other co-workers in the other departments..., easy job isn't it??

5. boss ask you to mentor her, so, you just create a seems to be very complicated mind-mapping slide, but most of the 'branches' in the mind-map, is "read this url for xxx information" and etc.

6. then, you try to give your new colleague some job to do, by asking her to call some suppliers... without giving her any contact details, for eg. who's the person to call, what's the number to call..., even though there's a file in the public folder which you can point to the new colleague, HOWEVER, WELL... you don't have to share... she won't find out...

7. so, when your new colleague (who apparently is not that dumb, manage to get through and get hold of the supplier, BY CALLING THE GENERAL LINE OF THE COMPANY AND ENQUIRE FOR WHATEVER INFORMATION THAT SHE REALLY REALLY NEEDS) and when you find out, you pretend that you do not know anything and just have to shamelessly ask, "oh!! how did you find out??"

8. on the other hand, you repeatedly tell your boss, that this new colleague is not ready to do any work, not competitive and so on... mm... let me see... as long as you can tell as much crap as you can, it works, anyway, you can only tell craps right??

9. then, one fine day, there's some technical requirement, which you'll have to work out some bill-of-material, you told your co-worker that, you don't do that type of work (mm... coz, your work is just to sit there to tell others what to do, and tell others, whta's their job, that's your job, you don't have to do anything)... but when you can't argue over who's supposed to work out the bill-of-material, you finally take the job... coz, you can pass it to your new colleague, which, oh ho!! you're very sure that, she won't know what to do... and you won't look stupid!! SHE'LL BE THE ONE, SHE'LL BE THE ONE!!

10. AND it really happens... cool, she send the file to the wrong supplier, so, you try to exaggerate it, by jumping super high!!! and shouted to her that, "you're going to tell boss about this, I'm not going to tell, it's your fault!! I'm not going to face boss for this!!!", cool isn't it?? and you MAKE VERY SURE that she'll be "escorted" to boss' room and she'll tell that to boss herself!!! THAT'S THE WAY to welcome a new colleague!!!

11. all the job your new colleague has done, you continuously condemn it, and every single job, you QC'ed, pretend to be boss, and "cc" to the real boss... mm... to show that how much effort you've put in, to make sure things are right!!! (ironic!! but it sure works)

12. then, this new colleague, after 4-5 days upon joining, was finally intimidated and terrorised, decided to quit the job... you somehow may feel fear..., so, now, you start to lobby the other colleague in your team, to back you up, and you try to be nice to the new colleague... mm... just have to sound sweeter and a little bit polite, that's what you always do, when you need to get things done, cos, you reckon, it's called "professional", however, when it's not a work that you wanna do, or boss doesn't see!!! you play deaf, you play dumb... eh... boss is not going to know if I work or not anyway, as long as I have to do the work, boss have to be made known!!! I just have to continuously trash other's work, whever they do, whatever they say, the first thing I respond, must be "you're wrong, you're not supposed to do that!!" then I just have to take what they've just said and rephrase it, make it sound so complicated, cos, when it sounds so complicated (which is in fact, a simple matter) then, I will be able to step in again, and solve it, so, I'll be GOOD!!... that sounds smart!! AND in order to avoid any complication or backfire on myself, I shall always end my sentence with "just for your information"... so... it's just for your information, it's no big deal, I'm not going to bear any responsibility!!!

13. this new colleague, finally decide to leave... and there's no way return... you just have to quickly come out with a story to cover up with your bully!!!!

14. so, from tomorrow onwards, you can't wait to tell all important partners, co-workers, "she gives up on herself", "she can't take the stress", "she's not competent"!!!!! you must tell!! even if you do not tell, people will ask, and that's the reasoning that you're going to say.... AND before people ask, you should take the first step to tell the whole world first, to stop them from asking!!! cos, you've already fed them with the information!!

15. therefore, you tell your co-workers, you tell your business partners, and you just need some more guts, to even tell her ex-colleagues in the previous company, that "she is incompetent!", "she couldn't take up the stress", you just have to continuously tell that to everybody, then... lie, will become truth!!!

YEAH!! that's how one welcomes one's new colleague!!! and that's the rule of thumb of the new century!!! ^_^ Yeah!!